dumb, dumb, dumb

I was at the part about Cate being weighed in her birth story.
I was inserting pictures, scrolling back through my post, and I realized... it was half gone!!
Somehow, my pictures aparently ate the text.
Oh, blogger. You are not my friend.
So... birth story another day. I've already wasted an hour writing it, just for it to be gone. I need to, you know, tend to my children... Grr!
Happy Friday!

Happy 18 months (and one day) to my life-loving, joyful, laughing, monkey of a son!

And, Happy (one-day-shy-of) 2 weeks, my sweet baby Cate!

candid

Things are still going really well. I've started 3 different posts, but have had to stop midway, and never went back to finish. Thus is life with multiple children, I suppose?
I haven't left my house since Monday. I guess I'm really bad at the stay-at-home part of my job description, but I'm about to bust the door down and walk somewhere. Okay, maybe not... but a trip to Target sure sounds heavenly. My husband so kindly asked me to stay in and promised me we could go to Greenfield or something tonight, just to get me out of the house. I thought it was really sweet of him to say that. Especially since I've been such a butt to him lately.
No really, I have been. I don't know why either. It's funny, because on Monday I laid in bed and prayed that God would change me, to teach me how to be a wife and mom, and show me what was keeping me from doing so in the way He intended me to. He's been very faithful to answer that prayer, but man, it's hard to face and own up to the ugliness in your heart, you know? Yesterday I was seeing the many different things I look to for satisfaction, where I place my hope, and how empty they are, how they don't matter... and how it just keeps me from the Lord and from living the way I should. When I'm hoping in a number on a scale or a phone call from a friend to bring me joy, I'm without a doubt going to be disappointed. And how small and selfish, you know? Ugh. But anyway, today the Lord has been showing how disagreeable I have been with Jordan. Like, if he likes or wants something, my reaction is defensive for some reason. And with things that don't matter to me or shouldn't bother me. Like I was just being difficult. I need to encourage him and support him. I should be his biggest cheerleader. I need to treat him like I love him (which I do! so much!), but my actions haven't been saying so. He is so good to me. I want to be his help-mate. I want to encourage him, to make an effort to like what he likes, to at least be willing to try. And I owe him a big apology. I should've said something this morning when he got in from shoveling the drive, but instead, I surprised him with a glass of hot chocolate and talked about snow or something equally unimportant. We don't have anything going on tonight, and as hard as it may be, I have to talk to him.
Moving on now...
For three nights in a row, my daughter has slept 6 hours straight, followed by another 3-4 hours. You have no idea how thankful for this I am. Or maybe you do. Either way, I'm blessed. And really really thankful. She's as content as could be when awake, too. Every bit as good as Corban was. :) I'm still holding my breath, waiting for that first rough night or bout of fussiness, but we'll see. Until then, I'll take my easy baby with gladness. :)
Corban is still doing really well with her. My days at home with just me and the kids how gone surprisingly well. I can't say it enough- I am really blessed.
Anyway, I need to tend to my son. He's done with his morning chill-out in his crib. He doesn't nap in the morning anymore, but still seems to need the down time, and asks to go 'nigh nigh'... so he spends about 30-45 minutes laying and talking in bed. Just enough time for me to grab a quick shower or do something like this. But he's talking loudly and saying "Mommy" so I know time is up. Off I go!

I could...

sit and stare at this all day long.

Oh wait- I do!

I love being a Mama. Just thought I'd share that.

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Oh Sunday... already. We've been home from the hospital for one week. I've been the mother of two for 9 days. I've had my husband by my side and at home for ten strait days. And tomorrow, real life starts.
I really feel ready.
This week was absolutely wonderful. It consisted of lots of pajamas and naps on couches with baby Cate. Lots of snuggling and little cleaning. Lots of playing and lots of sleeping. Lots of pictures and lots of learning. (Interrupt this train of thought to announce that my 18 month old just brought a diaper to Jordan, asking him to change him, and he was only wet!) It was a much needed break for us all. We needed the time together, needed the time to relax, needed the time to learn our new baby. I think it's safe to say that we all feel very refreshed. And honestly, I feel prepared, ready.
While it was wonderful to sit in my pajamas day in and day out, to nap for hours every day, to leisurely do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted, I'm ready for life to resume. I'm feeling a little bit like a slug, my messy house is driving me bonkers, and I feel like life has just been paused, and I'm ready to push play. Do I think tomorrow will be a piece of cake, managing 2 under 18months all by myself all day long? Not a chance. Corban likes to test boundaries and sometimes (okay, often) likes to do whatever it is I'm asking him not to. Cate nurses every 2 hours during the day, which ties me up and limits what I can do with Corban. When will I get to take a shower? What about unloading the dishwasher? Little things like that... It's going to take time to adjust, I know, but I'm ready for it.
If there was ever anything I was made to do, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, it was this. It has been my hearts desire for as long as I can remember to the very thing I'm doing. The satisfaction and joy that being a mother brings to me... indescribable. I've been spending some time thinking on Psalm 139. The verses are often associated with new life, such as Cate's, but the Lord has been speaking to my heart regarding me. Not only did He form my children, fearfully and wonderfully make them, have their days written before one of them came to be... He did the same for me. He gave me the same care as he did my precious Corban and Cate. No less love and effort went into me. "How precious are Your thoughts to me, Oh God! How vast the sum of them? If I could count them, they'd outnumber the sand." Just thinking about the depth of the love I have for my children- it truly is beyond what I can put in words- and realizing, that even more so, God loves them, loves us, loves me. The intensity and depth of the love that I have for Corban and Cate only scratches the surfaces of the Lord's love for me. His thoughts towards me are precious, more numerous than the sand, He fearfully and wonderfully made me, He had my days planned before even one of them came to be. If that's not something to find self-worth in, than I don't know what is. And to think, He designed me with the desire and capability to bear children, and then so immensly blessed me with two of them, allowing me to stay home and watch them grow, teach them, love them. He gave me the desires, and then gave me the desires of my heart.
I have so much to be thankful for. I am so blessed.

A rare occurance from the last few days... I have free hands! Corban is in his high chair next to me eating a hodge-podge lunch, and Cate is sleeping soundly on her Daddy's chest (who is also sleeping), so I thought I'd take a quick minute and post real fast.
Things are going really really well here. We all seem to be adjusting fairly smoothly, but it helps that I have (another) wonderful sleeper, who is as content as could be when awake...so far. I think the Lord compensates for 5.5 months of puking, 2 months of contractions, and endless breastfeeding problems. haha. Even if she wasn't the easy baby that she is, I'd deal with it all anyway. :) She's just precious.. I am so in love with her!
Corban is pretty taken by her. He wants to hold her and kiss her and love on her... a much different reaction than I anticipated. He's doing great with her though. He calls her 'beebee' or 'kay' and on occassion 'beebee kay'. He gets so excited to see her or hold her though... I love it. He also seems about a million times bigger and a year older all of a sudden. I can't get over how big and thick he seems, how boyish and not babyish he suddenly is. And he's talking like crazy! He just repeats random parts of whatever you say, but is understanding so much and starting to get concepts and put things together. He said his first sentence today, which was 'Bless you, Cate!' Of course, it barely sounded like that, but he definitely repeated after me word-for-word. And he totally has 'please' figured out and is now using it in place of 'more'. I'm really glad about that one. :) He's at such a fun stage though, and really, he is a very good boy. Such a joy to be around.
Baby Cate is oh-so-sweet. I can't get enough of her. I could (and do) just snuggle her all day long! She sleeps a lot (duh), but has good bouts of alertness, and she just sits and looks all around, not fussy, doesn't require being bounced or walked or things like that. I know, I know, she's just 6 days old and this all could change, but for right now... she's a walk in the park. :)
You know what isn't a walk in the park though?
Breastfeeding.
(Sorry, boys- you may want to skip this paragraph). I was so confident that things would be easier this go-round, afterall, we had every problem under the sun with Corban. But, sadly, I was wrong. Things have been very very difficult. She was (and is!) nursing like a champ. She's not the problem at all. I had the lactation consultants check and re-check our latch at the hospital, watch her nurse, etc. to make sure things looked good. And they did. Everything was perfect. But before she was even 48 hours old, I was cracked and bleeding. Yikes. Fast forward a day, and I'm cracked, bleeding, and producing enough milk to feed an army. You think I'm joking? In less than 72 hours, I nursed her every couple of hours, only pumped for 5-10 minutes at a time (and pumped no more frequently than every 6ish hours and never at night) and have... are you ready for this?... 40 oz. of milk stored in my fridge! I know it's supply and demand, and pumping could just be adding to this over-production problem, but I've got clogged ducts galore and have no choice. I think I may have had the beginnings of mastitis, as I spiked a fever, was chilled, felt achy, etc., but it got better within 12 hours. And when I wasn't pumping, it was very hard for Cate to latch on, as I was so engorged, and then when my milk would let down, she would choke and cough and only nurse for a few minutes at a time. And she was spitting up constantly. I do think the end may be in sight, though. Or maybe we're at least turning a corner. I haven't pumped since 6a.m. (and I only pumped one side), (and it's 3:08) and I'm not feeling too miserable. Things seem to be leveling out though, thankfully.
I have her birth story written out in my journal.. you know, the pen and paper kind, and I do plan on posting it at some point, just not today. Things went incredibly though. We got there at 7:30, saw the doctor at 8:30a.m., which was when he stripped my membranes and sent me walking, and I had a baby at 3:32p.m. And I only pushed for 11 minutes! Ahhh.. just enough to whet your appetite. Haha. A much, much, much better experience this time around, for sure.
Anyway, both my kiddos are sleeping and so is my husband, so I think I'll follow suit. Have a good rest of the week!

introducing...

Cate Taylor McGaughey

born January 16th, 2009

at 3:32 p.m.

8 lbs. 8.6 oz

22 inches long

sister to Corban Gabriel

...such a blessing, such a gift...

We love you, Baby Cate, and are so glad you are here!

tomorrow

Tomorrow is a lot of things...
January 16th.
A Friday.
My Dad's Birthday.
My actual, doctor-given due date.
and.. the day that we'll probably meet our Baby Girl.

After much deliberation, we've decided to get my water broken in the morning. I had a long talk with my doctor about the way I wanted things to go, and he was totally okay with it. The only thing he had to say was 'Just warning you- if I'm delivering a baby at 3 a.m. because you won't let me use pitocin, I may be cranky. I've had late deliveries every night this week.' And then he laughed. I told him I was okay with grumpy. :) Our plan is to arrive at 7:15, and they will break my water. They want to monitor the baby for a period after my water is broken, and then I'm free to walk, jump, run. Of course, there will be limitations and I am taking a chance with that whole 24 hours after broken water hubbub, but I think this is what is best for us.
I cannot begin to describe the relief I've felt since making the decision. I went in to get my membranes stripped, and I was more than 3, but not quite 4 cm dilated, same effacement. In the 20 minutes I was on the NST, I had 6 contractions. The nurse practitioner was like 'are you feeling these?' I replied, 'everyone of them... have been for weeks.' And then she asked if I wanted to come in tonight instead. Haha.
We were able to make arrangements for Corban, our families are off for the weekend, and my big brother and his wife will even be able to make it home to meet her. Otherwise, it would've been months before they would see her. So, those things make me very glad. And if we end up having to use pitocin to speed things along... well, there's worse things.

We grabbed dinner at a local chinese place. It was delicious, as always, and I couldn't help but crack up when my fortune cookie read, "Tomorrow will be a productive day. Don't oversleep." haha. But on our way home, we started having a discussion about Baby Girls name... and well, it turns out that we're not on the same page AT ALL. I think he assumed I would cave, and I assumed that he would cave. So now I have to begin a mad name search, see if I find any better options, and then beg Jordan to let me choose. :) Just kidding about that last part. He did say that I could choose, but he is really talking like he doesn't like it. We'll see tomorrow, I guess!!!
Anyway, prayers would be much appreciated. I sure wouldn't mind a speedy, non-medicated, pitocin free delivery, but if things go differently, we'll deal. Next time I post I'll be introducing our daughter! HURRAY!!

Well. After way too many bouts of tears, and contractions at least every 10 minutes for about 15 hours yesterday, I've decided to be somewhat proactive. I'm going to the doctor at 1:30 to get checked again and to have them strip my membranes. And then I'm going to walk, walk, walk.

I am just so drained... mentally, physically, emotionally.

Please pray that this has some effect, other than hours upon hours of contractions that don't mean a darn thing.

Off to get ready! Stay warm!

Moments not missed..

I had a big, long complaint written out about how things didn't go my way, didn't work out as I had planned, and how I was upset about it. But after writing the remainder of my post, I realized that I needed to just get over myself, stop being such a baby. So you don't get to here my rant. Instead, you get to hear about the awesome day I had with my son....

Other than that, I had a really nice afternoon. Corban and I just played all day long. We emptied both toy baskets we have, and played with just about every toy he owns. We slid on our legs on the slick ceramic tile and cracked up. We colored some. We spilt and picked up and counted, and spilt and picked up and counted, and... you get the idea.. cheerios onto the tile floor. He found it so amusing. :) We played upstairs and downstairs. We learned names of new animals (giraffe and elephant!). We looked out the window at the snow, and then watched in anticipation of Daddy coming home. I showed him how he could stand on his big boy bed and see our back yard out his window. He liked that alot. We played with his new nursery rhyme cd player, and danced to the songs. We arranged animal magnets on the dry erase board. We pretended the old toilet paper roll was a megaphone, and then a telescope. And of course, we drummed on every hard surface in the house. And now it's 6p.m., and my sweet pea is sleeping. He didn't get a nap this afternoon, as Daddy was home and that makes life far too exciting to sleep. So I'm letting him sleep for an hour (he was being a bear), and then I'll get him up, eat dinner, and put him back to bed by 8, hopefully.
I guess there's lessons learned today. Had I had my baby yesterday (or even today), I wouldn't have had this day with Corban. We wouldn't have spent hours playing and laughing together. I wouldn't have taught him what a zebra was. I wouldn't have the sweet memory of him hysterically laughing as the cheerio flew into the air because he pushed too hard with the spoon. I would've missed the hugs he had to give, him saying 'Mommy' so sweetly as I went to get him out of his crib. So, as ready as I am to have this baby, I'm really thankful that she stayed put for today. And man, am I thankful for my son. He is such a joy. I do, so very much, love being his mama. And I'm thankful that I was able to enjoy today, to set aside my anxiousness (for most of the day, anyway), and not miss these moments that I'll never get back. I'm thankful that I was here, really here, today for my sweet boy. He deserves a present Mama... Yes, I'm thankful for these moments that were not missed.

a few things I love... about my baby boy.

• If you ask him to say 'bye bye', he says, and quite adorably might I add, 'See ya!'. If you imply we're leaving anywhere, he starts telling everyone 'see ya!'
• He adores his Daddy. The wind was blowing hard against the front door yesterday, and he thought it was Daddy coming home. He just sat at the stair and cried when I told him it wasn't Jordan. This morning, he crawled up into our dark bedroom while I made breakfast, just hunting for his Daddy-o. What am I- chopped liver?! haha :)
• He is absolutely, positively OBSESSED with football. I'm not kidding when I say that he even sleeps with one. It's a soft foam Colts football that showed up out of nowhere, but he'll ask for it and will not lay down until he has his football. He associates the tv with football, because the only time it's ever on is to watch games or when Jordan's playing xbox. So if I turn the tv on, he starts yelling 'football, football!'. If we see anything with the Colts logo on it, he knows that it's football too, and lets everyone know.
• He still loves musical instruments. His Grandma and Grandaddy (my parents) got him this drum that has several other instruments inside of it and a toy guitar for Christmas and he plays witht them all day long. The whole world is a drum to him. The tv, the stairs, the trashcan. He walks around with the drumsticks often. And of course, bangs his head to rhythm.
• He is starting to repeat words randomly. Like yesterday, I said 'Oh Geez', and he mimicked me perfectly. Oops. New words already today: turtle, boat, bath. I always sing Jesus Loves Me to him while I snuggle him before putting him down for a nap, and today he was singing along with me. He 'sang' Bible, Yes, and Jesus. It was precious. He also says 'amen' when we pray with him before bed.
• He loves to laugh. And has the most wonderful laugh you've ever heard. I can't get enough of it. And he totally tries to make you laugh. Just like his Daddy. I love it.

I don't love that he woke up at 5:30a.m. this morning, or that he has been just laying in his crib, talking, for over an hour. He was being very grumpy and defiant, and crying about everything, so I laid him down. I hate that he's not sleeping, but I know he needs to. I can't decide if I should get him up or just let him stay in there. He's not crying and not upset at all, which is a far cry from how he was being when I laid him down. I'll give it a few more minutes, and if he's still awake, I'll get him up.

Anyway, as I was snuggling him before I laid him down, I was just thinking about how wonderful he is, and how much I loved being his Mama, and how I loved these things about him. I'm terrible at writing in his baby book, but do I good job documenting here. So there you have it. A few things about my son. :)

And I'm still pregnant. Contractions started at 10 min. apart this morning, went down to 8, then to 7, but I stopped timing them. I'm still having them, and they are seemingly more uncomfortable, but seem sporadic. I'm going to be pregnant until I'm 82, it's been decided. And, I'm never going to know when I'm in labor, so I'll probably deliver in my front yard. There's worse things though, right? Haha. Off to wash the dishes..

That waiting thing? Being patient? Enjoying the here and now?
It's hard.
And I'm really bad at it.

Off to get my baby boy out of his crib, and leave my house... so I don't just sit and be mad that I'm still pregnant. I am undecided on what today will hold for us, but probably includes hitting another Target, possibly Babies R Us, the YMCA, and a visit to Daddy at church. That is, if the weather allows. Otherwise, it's going to be a looooong day around here.

Happy Tuesday! Anyone else looking forward to American Idol starting tonight?? I sure am, and my husband sure isn't. But, he can play Oblivion while I indulge in 2 hours on my rear in front of the tv. Oh, the simple pleasures of life. Haha.

Well, my appointment today didn't bring the glorious news I was hoping for. Instead, I was told that I'm 5 lbs heavier than last week, but only 25% more effaced, and not at all more dilated. Such is life, I suppose. :) The ball is in my court- they aren't pushing me to induce like last time, probably because I've said every week for the last 3 months that I didn't want to, but they simply said that any day this week worked for any of them, if I wanted to come have the baby. I said I'd call and let them know.
Right now, I'm just planning on waiting. I'm 3cm, 75% effaced, and having contractions all day, every day, though not regular. She's gonna come out sometime, right? After Corban's nap, we'll go to the YMCA and I'll walk, bounce on the exercise ball, maybe even do the eliptical trainer. I'll finish the rest of my fresh pineapple I bought, and probably eat something spicy for dinner. I'll probably have contractions all night, and probably still be pregnant tomorrow. But- she'll be here someday soon.
And when she is, I can put her in her really cute new shoes I bought for her today. And wrap her in the sweet pink blanket I bought. Or let her wear that warm, fleece outfit I picked up. Or look at her while her brother in his new hoody or puffy vest holds her. Target was good to me this morning. :) I bought baby girl 3 pairs of shoes, a 2 piece fleece outfit, a blanket, and Corban a hoody and a fleece-lined vest, some gum and crackers, all for UNDER $30. And the shoes were Chuck Taylors, btw. Oh, how I love clearance prices! I'm tempted to go back tomorrow to shop for Corban's next year wardrobe... maybe even Baby Girl too. SO many things were $2-3 dollars (for the Genuine Kids stuff too- which is my most favorite!). Retail therapy, perhaps? haha, It really wasn't... I went BEFORE my depressing appointment. I have more self-control (somedays) than that.
Anyway, Corban's in bed, and I need to take a shower, so off I go. Maybe NEXT post will be introducing my daughter.
But probably not. :)

a gentle reminder...

For some reason, and I definitely believe it was a gentle reminder from the Lord, I had a quote from long ago, another season of waiting, pop into my head this morning on my way to church, and I can't shake it. Nor can I find it's exact wording, or the journal I wrote it in, or the book it was from, but the gist of it, I believe, is forever written on my heart - as it's been 5 years since I read it last. It's funny how that happens sometimes, huh? It's nothing too profound, but it was impacting when I read it five years ago, and every bit as much so right now.
Simply:
"The most precious things in life often come at the expense of a waiting period."
Waiting is so hard. Almost always. Waiting for lunch. Waiting for results from a doctor. Waiting on the weekend. Counting down the days until your wedding. Waiting to be reunited with a loved one. Waiting for the birth of a baby. It's never easy to sit in anticipation, knowing something so desired is just around the corner, but oh- how sweet it is when it arrives.
There's another quote that I've always connected mentally with this waiting period one, mostly because they were big in my life at the same time. I think this one is from Jim Elliot, and I read it in "Passion and Purity."
"Let not our longing slay our appetite for living."
Once again, the two go hand in hand for me. I know that the wait will be so worth it. I know that I will be immensly upset with myself if I do break down and go for the induction simply because I cannot wait. But I also know that I will terribly upset with myself looking back on this time and how I've handled this season of waiting- that is, if things don't change, if I don't heed this gentle reminder. Oh, how I cannot wait to kiss my sweet baby girl, to look her over from head to toe, to show her to Corban, to kiss my husband as we marvel at our precious child... but I've been 'waiting' so impatiently, wallowing in self-pity, and making those around me just as miserable that I'm missing so much here in the in-between time. I'm letting my longing take over and rule!
No more. Enough is enough. Today, I will wrestle my son and snuggle my husband, not time contractions and be furious when they spread out. I will pray for my daughter and her arrival, but I will not let the rest of my life hinge on whether or not she's here by 8:30 tonight or not. I'm going to keep living in the mean time, alright?
She will come. I will not be pregnant for ever. And oh, how precious that day will be...
Until then, I'm living. Good day!

Well, last night for over 3 hours I had contractions between 3-5 minutes apart, mostly 3-4. And then I went to bed, was finally able to fall asleep, and woke up STILL pregnant.

What kind of cruel game is this?! I'm going crazy over here!

It's so discouraging. Every stinkin night I wonder if 'this is it'... and it's not. I wouldn't mind so much if it weren't for the constant contractions. I am so tempted to just go in next time they are so regular, and let them just break my water. I really almost called last night, because of the consistancy, length, and even increasing discomfort. But alas, they stopped. Oh man, this is so hard. I'm mostly dreading church today because of the inevitable 'You're still pregnant?' or 'You're about to pop!' or 'Surely you're overdue by now' comments. I think I'll treat myself to starbucks on my way- haha. :)

In other news, we had a really wonderful day at home, just the 3 of us yesterday. We did a whole lot of nothing most of the day, but were all together, all day long, which was awesome. We even all took a 2+ hour nap! I made homemade (delicious) chocolate chip cookies, and Jordan make some (delicious) homemade guacamole, and then we had some (delicious as well) tacos for dinner. It was a really enjoyable day.

Corban's breakfast has consisted of fresh pineapple, a banana, and a chocolate chip cookie. The two fruits cancel out the cookie, right? Afterall, Mama was having a cookie for breakfast. And I just couldn't resist those blue eyes. I mean- could you?

Didn't think so.

Have a great day!

still here, still waiting..

And some moments, that's rather impatiently waiting, though right now is not one of them. I'm quite content at this moment, having done some laundry and finished separating out newborn sized gowns and onesies from Corban's old clothes, responded to some emails, done the dishes, and straitened my hair. What?! :) It's alright to at least try and look decent when you're 9 months pregnant and having contractions every 7 minutes. Yes, you read correctly. Every 7 minutes, on average anyway. Since 5:30. But there will be a few that will come every 5 minutes, and then 8 minutes, and then back to 7. For awhile I thought this might be the real deal. When this (rather long) spurt began, I was feeling really crampy and nauseaus. Now I'm just irritated, and wish they'd either speed up or slow down so I knew what was going on. But anyway, it's nice to have a completely silent, mostly clean house, and to not feel like I should be doing something else instead.
Jordan cooked dinner for me tonight. That was a nice treat. Corban went to bed without a hitch tonight, which was also good. He even took a 4 hour nap this afternoon!!! I slept for nearly 2 of those, which was much needed and wonderful. I did some more walking this morning, but as you can see, it was a failed attempt at walking the baby out. I was awake from contractions every couple of hours last night, so I was dragging today.
Anyway, I don't really have anything important to say right now. Just that I haven't had the baby yet, in case you were wondering. :) Someday soon, though. There's a full moon tomorrow and a big winter storm moving in... maybe nature will help me along?! haha. Have a wonderful weekend!

oh what a day!

If there were an emotion spectrum, full of bright colors and an arrow to mark what you were feeling, and I posted it on here yesterday, there would have been an arrow in every color under the sun. The day started with worry, flopped to sheer terror, pure panic, sweet relief, confusion, disbelief, wonder, excitement, disappointment...and ended with exhaustion, plain and simple.
I noticed on Tuesday night while laying in bed that my baby girl was not near as active as she usually is. I made a quick mental note, and during my long night of tossing and turning, continued to observe her lack of movement. Morning rolled around and I was really becoming afraid. She typically moves a ton. A lot a lot. I was poking and prodding, pushing, pulling, and was getting nothing. A little resistance on two occassions, but I hadn't felt her move on her own in hours. The more I thought about it, the more worried I became. And after a few minutes of good attempts at getting a response from my belly (to no avail), I became panicked, and honestly- more scared than I've ever been in my life. I called the doctor and they told me to come in immediately for monitoring. I dropped Corban off at my friend Erin's house, picked up Jordan at work, and off we went. It's safe to say that I was a wreck at this point. The tears were a-flowin'. We were about a mile from the hospital when all of a sudden my belly morphed into a new shape, and then quickly returned to it's orignial, beach-ball-like form. And then, it happened again. Oh... sweet relief. She was alright. My baby girl was back to moving, and moving good. Still concerned, we continued on to the doctor to just to be sure.
She passed the BPP relatively quickly, although it took about twice as long as normal- and the only thing we had to wait for was her movement, which is not at all how things usually are. I asked to be hooked up for the NST to make sure that her heart was doing alright with the contractions that I was having, and they agreed. But first- they checked my cervix. Remember how I was no change on Monday? 1 cm, 50% effaced, posterior? Well, Wednesday morning I was 3 cm, 50% effaced, and more anterior! Whoa! Contractions that work! They hooked me up to the monitor, and I was having contractions every 3-4 minutes, so they wanted to send me to L&D for more monitoring, especially with our 40 minute drive and the icy roads. So, we hopped to B-W3's for a quick lunch, and went to the hospital, to sit in a dumb bed for 2 hours. They wanted to continue to watch the baby, so I wasn't allowed to walk or anything- boo to that. Anyway, 2 hours slowly passed, and there was no change in my cervix. Because I was 3 cm, though, they said they could admit me, but if things hadn't changed any more, they'd want to break my water, and if it didn't progress from there, use pitocin, etc. I kindly declined and said I'd just go home. Talk about will power! I could have a baby girl in my arms right now! But, I really just want my body to do this on it's own, and it is, it's working on it... so patience I must have.
I had 6 minute apart contractions most of the evening at church, and then when I got home, I did some cleaning and was having some serious back pain- almost like a spasm, but it was at the top of rear, bottom of my back? I've never experienced anything like that... don't know if it's back labor or what?! But I eventually fell asleep, and here I sit, after 2.5 hours of walking, still pregnant, and contracting sporadically. Boo. I feel relieved and yet anxious, knowing that it's so close, but could still be days away. I despise this waiting game. lol.
I did have a nice little date with my son this morning. We went to my favorite local coffee establishment, Mama Bears, and I ordered him his very own, first-ever hot chocolate to accompany his high fiber cheerios and dried cranberries. He was pretty unsure about it, really, and only drank about 1/3 of it, which was fine with me, but it was fun for us to do. We took some silly pictures, and he kept posing and saying 'cheeeee' with a big silly grin. Have I mentioned that I love my son!?!? :-D
But alas, he's napping, and I'm exhausted, so I think I'll plop myself on the couch and curl up with a blanket. Or maybe I'll mop the kitchen floor, we'll see. Hopefully someday soon I'll be announcing the birth of my daughter! Off to... do something!

I'm back again. a 2009 'Goal' post

I have a few things that I could do to be productive, but for the most part, the things that I can and should do are done. The bulk of my remaining projects are dependant upon my husband moving big heavy things, so I'm enjoying some down time. I just took a quick 30 minute snooze and am feeling better about life in general. It is January 5th, you know, so I figure I better do some sort of 'goals for the year' post.
Most of my goals have the same common denominator: discipline. I tend to swing from one extreme to another, an all-or-none kind of mentality. It'd be nice to find some common ground. Anyway, here ya go:
-I really, really, really would like to read through the Bible this year. I always start and poop out around Deuteronomy or so. I'd actually like to accomplish it this time though. At least finish the Old Testament. I've read all of the New Testament several times, but most of the Old, I haven't. So maybe that's a better goal: read the Old Testament.
-Also regarding time in the Word, I would like to continue to and consistantly read a chapter of Proverbs to Corban every day. Usually (on the days that it happens), I read to him during breakfast. I want it to become an every day thing, not just half the days.
-Do a better job keeping the house up. Stay on top of the laundry, vaccuum more, etc.
-Cook more. I love to cook, and my boys love to eat. But sometimes, I'm just lazy with it. I want to try more recipes, and most importantly, improve the nutrition of what we're eating. We need to do way more fruits and veggies.
-Grow a garden.
-Return my library books on time, everytime. I'm really (x10) bad about this. I'm a librarians worst nightmare. I check out 15 books, read them all in 2 weeks, but don't hand them in for 2 months. Ugh.
-Do a better job sticking to a budget. This is a big one. And a hard one. But I think I, along with the rest of America, are seeing it's importance. It just takes a heck of a lot of discipline, and saying 'no' to self.
-Put more effort into marriage. Not that it's bad or anything like that- it's not. I am very happily married to Jordan. :) But it's so easy to get stuck in a rut, to do the same things every night, to co-exist. I want to put more effort into creative date nights and playing games and just sitting and talking- things like that. Because let's face it- I got one heck of a catch, but marriage isn't easy and it does take effort. I need to do a better job doing my part- in lots of ways, but that's another topic for another day.
-Thinking about the mountain of trash in my front yard (yes, really), stay on top of the clutter. Don't bring more stuff in without taking stuff out. Clean out the closets more often. Get rid of old clothes when buying new clothes. Give away toys that are just collecting dust. Don't be afraid to say 'no' to some hand-me-downs. That kind of thing.
-Exercise, exercise, exercise. But in moderation. :) It's one of those things I can all too easily become obsessive about... but I want it to be a regular, daily thing. We are joining the YMCA tonight, and I am soo excited about it. I want to develop a regular weight lifting routine. And then, one day really soon, I'm going to have a baby. And then 6 weeks later, I will be allowed to run. Oh. my. goodness. I can't wait for that!
-Along with the previous goal, though, not obsess over appearance. It will be okay if I am not back into my regular jeans a week after having a baby. The world will not end. And if it takes a little longer for the weight to fall off, I'll survive that too. I want to spend my time enjoying the precious gift of a new child (and watching with wonder my toddler!) and not counting calories and obsessing over a number on the scale.
-I want to run a 10 miler. Just because. I want to.
-Play outside, explore, dig in the dirt, wade in the creek, take hikes in the woods... I want to teach my children to love the outdoors- not that that will take much effort with Corban. He just stands at the window and watches 'aside'... and tries to escape to the great outdoors every time a door is cracked. I want to nurture and develop that love and curiosity though.
-And last but not least not get pregnant.
There you have it. Merry 2009!

bah humbug.

You want to know how I'm feeling? This is the text message I sent Jordan after my appointment today:
'there was no change. I hate everything. love you.'
Haha. It's just so unbelievably frustrating. I know that my due date is a week and a half away, I'm well aware. But why, oh why, the non-stop contractions? Why can't I just have little braxton hicks here and there? Why do I have to have cramping and pressure, and contractions that get into nice little 4 minute apart rhythms? Hmmm? Can you answer me that? No? Well, then... don't be offended when I'm grumpy. :)
I hate how the end of pregnancy makes me. It's so hard to just ignore it and wait patiently. I promised myself at the beginning of this pregnancy that I wouldn't wish it away, that I would enjoy being pregnant, savor my time with Corban, etc. I am failing miserably at that. I don't want to be a crazy, emotionally unstable lunatic. I really don't. But my body is making sanity very hard for me. And then the dumb doctor telling me that I'm no further along at all than I was a week ago...after 7 days of all-day contractions. Well. I just think things stink.
On top of that nonsense, my son is sick. He woke up last night with an under-the-arm temperature of 102.5!! He was beat red, and felt like he was on fire. Motrin brought it down enough for him to sleep comfortably from 12-8, but it was back up to 101.3 this morning. After a few hours of motrin in his system, he's still at 99.4. He's a little fussy and won't eat, but other than that is acting pretty normal. I knew something was up yesterday when he took a 4 hour nap though. (Oh, but was I thankful for that... I slept for 3 of those 4 hours!)
Good news about the baby's delay- we've gotten a lot done around the house. Jordan and his Dad did the wood floor in Corban's room, and then my parents came up on Saturday and painted it. Holly (my sis-in-law) painted the trim in the bathroom for me, and the boys worked hard in the garage for Jordan to get his rock wall going. (yes, we now [almost] have a rock wall in our garage!) We've taken a whole van load of trash to the dump, half a van to goodwill, and have another load to dump as well. We're not really trash balls, we just had 15 windows, old trim, and a room of carpet to get rid of, on top of a years worth of clutter. I'm not proud to admit that I got rid of 3 garbage bags full of clothes, and still have a tote to get rid of. And a big closet and full dressers worth of things left to wear. Excess, much!? It feels so good to get all of this stuff out of the house though. I'm glad that we've gotten all of this stuff done. Tonight we plan on putting the furniture in Corban's new room, and then I'll be able to do the nursery! Exciting!
Anyway- Corban is fussing in his crib, not wanting to nap, but desperately needing to. He's mad at me for it too, as he keeps crying for 'Daddy'. He no longer says Dada. He's growing up. So yeah, I'm off to tend to him! Adios!

nesting, nesting, banana-fana-fo-festing...

I thought this 'nesting' thing was a myth. I sure didn't experience it my first pregnancy, but it's in full force this go-round. You don't believe me? Well, it is 5:30a.m. and I've already done away with any hint of last nights visitors. I've unloaded my dishwasher, cleaned the countertops, and washed dishes. I picked up the toys off of the floor, and am getting ready to fold a load of laundry. I feel compulsed, like I have to. I wish this would stick around... haha.
I don't really want to be awake, but Jordan got up at 4:45 to take some friends to the airport, and I couldn't fall back asleep. So I'm drinking a nice cup of hot chocolate (french vanilla flavored, actually), and am waiting for him to return home to try to go back to sleep. I'm doubting that it will happen. When he left, I just laid there and thought about all of the things I needed to get done... Oh brother!
We accomplished a tremendous amount the last two days. I feel like my house is finally baby-ready (so come on out, little girl!). I say that, but really the only thing left unfinished IS the baby girl stuff. Her 'room' is full of all of her stuff AND her big brothers stuff, as we just laid new laminate wood flooring in Corban's big boy room on Wednesday. I need to paint it, but don't know that that'll get accomplished before we move the furniture in. It would make things a lot easier if I did though. I just am debating on exactly what I want to do with the walls. Also, I tried to take the short cut and just spray paint the dresser I got for baby girl... and it failed. It didn't adhere very well for some reason, and is really splotchy, so I have to finish painting her dresser in order to get rid of the mountain of pink and purple on my living room couch. Other than that, though, things are looking pretty decent around here. I cleaned out my dresser, my closet, jordan's dresser, Jordan's closet, and Corban's dresser and closet. 3 garbage bags for Goodwill, and 3 giant totes later, our upstairs appears somewhat organized. Oh, I also cleaned out the linen/laundry closet too. And cleaned the bathtub and sink and all of the toilets... and swept and mop the kitchen floor. And folded and put away 2839579 loads of laundry. And completely emptied out and sorted through the was guest bedroom/now Corban's big boy room so that the carpet could be ripped out. That was no small task. So, like I said, nesting is real, folks. Very real. :) And my house (And husband!) are thankful for that.
Well, Jordan should be home soon, my hot chocolate is now luke-warm, and Proverbs 2 is calling my name. Adios!

Wouldn't it be neat if my next post were announcing the arrival of our daughter?!? Pray, cross your fingers, tell me your self-inducing tips, will ya?!