my heart

"These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble, but take heart! I have overcome the world."

(john 16:33)

Some days... I stumble upon these amazing blogs with powerful words and inspirational ideas and I wish that my blog was like that- that I had the time to write like that. But some days, too, I reread my old entries, reread my posts not posted, and I'm so thankful that I have my words, my thoughts, my memories of our hard times and sweet days and precious kiddos. So today... again, still.. it's just me, my thoughts, my life.
Life hasn't been a cake walk as of late. In almost every arena that I identify myself with- mom, wife, daughter, friend- things have been difficult. It's a culmination of multiple things- the three biggest being a role change in Jordan's job, the addition of a third child, and my heart (both literal and figuratively.). I'd like to think that I'm more resilient than I've shown this past month, but I'm not. No excuses, just honesty. I've had a rough month.
But we are on an upswing--- hallelujah, thank You, Jesus.
As I've eluded to, I've had some issues going on with my heart. I've been warned with each child that the first nine months post-partum risked more episodes, but prior to now, never had any problems. Three (or was it two?) weeks ago, I walked up the stairs to give Nora her paci, and as I walked into my bedroom, I felt my heart begin to race. I remember thinking, "Is this going to slow down?" and "Am I going to get shocked?" Next thing you know, I awake sprawled out on the edge of my bed, completely disoriented and unsure of what had happened. It's never happened that way before, where I couldn't recall what had happened or how long I was out. I had no idea if I'd gotten shocked, etc. Clueless. It scared me.
I called the doctor the next day, who brought me in to read my defibrillator and see what had happened. Sure enough, I had gotten shocked. They (the ladies who read my device, not the doctor) showed me where my heart flipped into 'v-fib', how it was beating around 300 beats per minute, how it wasn't really pumping, but rather quivering during my episode. I attributed it to being post-partum, and knew that this was just a possibility because of the condition that I have. It bothered me, scared me, but there was nothing I could do. I scheduled my normal visit with my electrophysiologist for April and went about my way.
Two days later, I got an urgent sounding voicemail from my doctor. I called him back immediately and had a somewhat upsetting conversation. He started by telling me that "Quite honestly, if you didn't have your defibrillator, I don't think you would've lived through that." He went on to tell me that he thought it was necessary to start me on medicine to try and prevent further episodes, and that the medicine would make me feel fatigued and lousy. He then told me that we needed to schedule another procedure (which will be taking place on Tuesday, March 1st, at 6:30 a.m.). Right now, it takes approximately seven seconds for my defibrillator to charge up to shock me. He wants to get it so that the shock will be delivered more quickly and with less voltage. The unfortunate part of this is that to determine how low of a voltage will still be effective, they have to test it out. I will be put under with anesthesia, and they will put my heart into cardiac arrest to shock it in order to test the defibrillator. Thankfully, I'm not opened back up or anything, and the only effects I will have are that of the anesthia... but it definitely makes you stop and think to be told that you would've died without this man-made device and then that they're going to send your heart into cardiac arrest.
All of that to say... I've been doing a lot of thinking, and it's time for change. I don't want to be the kind of wife or mom that I've been as of late. I don't want my kids to remember me yelling or on my stupid i-phone. I don't want to have meaningless conversations because it's easier than having the hard ones. I don't want to sit comfortably anymore... I want to impact this world with the love the God has for us. I want to comfort others with the same comfort that God has shown me. I want my eyes to be on the hope we have in Jesus, the hope His promises bring.... because if that's where my focus is, those other things are just a natural reaction, right?
I know this: The Lord has kept me here purposefully, and I don't want to waste this life I've been given.

Have you not kept my feet from falling

That I may walk before God in the light of the living?

(psalm 56:13)

my four favorites:

 

blessed

beyond

measure.

Thank You, Jesus...

I like:

warm weather.
going to the park.
picnics outside.
not wearing winter coats.
breathing fresh air.
warm weather.

These last few days... downright glorious. Indiana has been good to us, providing a much needed break from the misery  winter. We've gone to three different parks on three different days. Yesterday, we were there for over two hours, ate our lunch in a little cubby of the playground. Oh, yes... we are not made to be cooped up in this house.. which suddenly seems much smaller than it did three years ago when we purchased it. I guess going from one six month old baby to a 3.5, 2, and newborn will do that to a place, huh? Either way, we welcome the chance to get outside.
It's been a chaotic week-- I had three photo sessions in four days and am trying to get all my editing done. Additionally, I've had some stuff going on with my heart which has been an unexpected stressor. But- all is well. This unusual weather was the perfect distraction and we are all feeling refreshed and more sane. :)
Nora continues to be amazing. And by amazing I mean nearly perfect. Sleeps 8 hours most nights, as content as could be when awake. I'm a big fan of that sweet girl. :) Corban and Cate both love her so much... I'm blown away by the tenderness and protection they both show towards her. Corban currently is curled up on the floor next to Nora, 'reading' her stories from a new book. Cate doesn't fully grasp the concept of 'gentle' yet, but she's learning.:) The girls just had their 2 yr (C) and 1 month (but at 6 wks, N) well baby checks. Cate was 30.75 lbs, 35 inches and in the 80th percentile for everything. Nora was on the opposite end of the spectrum at 9lbs 3 oz (what Cate weighed just days old! ha!) and 22 inches long, in the 25th-ish percentile for everything.I've given up on keeping up on baby books, so I want to make sure I have this stuff written somewhere for future reference, you know. :)
Okay. While the kids are nicely building with their bristle blocks, I'm really trying to limit my computer time while they're awake...so off to build towers I go!

RED- iheartfaces challenge

 The theme this week at iheartfaces is RED.

Caters, bundled up to go play right after the icestorm that hit earlier this month.Head on over to iheartfaces to view other entries!

bullets

- I am sitting here, milking this carmel macchiato for all it's worth, putting off putting my house back in order. It's no longer remotely warm but somehow still satisfying. I like starbucks. Too much. ahem.
- We've been  snowed iced in since Monday afternoon. It's messy in here.
- I drove to the aforementioned coffee joint juuuuuuust to get out of the house. Seriously. I loaded up and strapped in three children for a twenty minute break and $4.52 drink. Worth every minute AND penny. Just saying.
- I am majorly dreading tonight. We say goodbye to some of our very best friends as they head to St. Kitts to be missionaries. I don't have the words right now to talk about it or them or all that they are to us. I am thrilled for them and what God is doing in and through them, but selfishly- it makes me (and my husband!) so stinking sad. BUT- it is nice knowing we'll see them this summer (for our mission trip) and again this fall (when they come home to have their second baby). Sigh.
-I was thinking today about all the life changes the last few months have brought. We acquired a housemate and then a third child. Our best friends are moving away. Our housemate is moving out. My husband is in the middle of adjusting to a pretty major role change at work - he went from teaching three Bible classes at the school to teaching one, and from being over 'just' the junior high and working alongside Brandon to being in charge of all the youth group. That right there makes for a lot more little changes within our life, too. All of it is good, though most of it is not easy. I'm thankful to see God's hand so evidently in the midst of it all, though. 
- I had a photo session last week, one next week, two more being scheduled, and a wedding booked for July. It was nice to have a little break, but even nicer to get back at it. I just love photography, plain and simple.
- My husband set up a tent in the middle of the ice storm. His intent was to sleep in it, but it was 'just raining and 33 degrees'... obviously not inclement enough for my pioneer. :)
- We lost electricity for 2 hours and that was all. It was fun to have dinner by candlelight and then hang out by the fire, but I was thankful when the power kicked back on so I could put the kids to sleep in their beds.
- Our housemate, Jacob, and his amazing girlfriend were snowed in with us. We ate a lot of yummy food and played a ton of speed scrabble. AND, Jordan was off of work, too. It really has been a fun few days.
and now... my drink is gone.
long gone, actually.
The procrastinating must end... but first- some pictures!