three months out

I've started writing this post several times over the past couple of months and keep stopping, telling myself that I'll write when things are easier, happier, a little fluffier... when we're through this season of waiting and praying and enduring, when the trenches are a memory and we're out on the sunny 'other side', boldly proclaiming the Lord's faithfulness and the miraculous ways He's provided and made a way.

Instead, I am writing this one with tired legs and a voice not strong... asking the Lord to help my unbelief, thanking Him for His kindness and patience with my lack of trust and faith. I'm writing to remember this part of the journey, too, and to offer encouragement to those who may be walking a season like ours. Stepping out isn't always rainbows and sunshine, and I want to be real about what this has looked like for us.

This has been one of the most trying and difficult and exhausting seasons of my life. While I anticipated hard and resistance, I wasn't at all prepared for what would come before us. We aren't being stoned to death or thrown in jail and I don't want to appear dramatic-- I know that this 'hard' is a relative term and I'm writing from my cushy couch on a macbook in the comfort of a warm house-- this 'hard' is very first world america hard, but it has seemed trying nonetheless.

We said we would go. Yes, Lord! Whatever you want! Send us out! And we began walking in it. We told families, had a lot of hard conversations, shed many tears over the close of a season. We moved forward with an excitement and an anticipation. But then things started happening...

(Let me preface this section with saying that I know in the big picture, these are small things! and I also want to say that the Lord has been faithful to provide-- though these have felt big and overwhelming, we have been able to fix or do without or treat most of that which has come up.)

Like our air conditioning breaking in our house. And then our electricity. And then buying a van that was a dream come true... until the transmission went out three weeks later. And then our other two vehicles both breaking down the same week, leaving us with three vehicles that didn't run. And then we listed our house for sale. We had the air conditioning fixed while we were in St. Kitts... and came home to a bill double what we were quoted. While we were on the mission trip, our well broke, leaving us with a flooded yard. We had lots of negative feedback from lots of showings. Two Friday's in a row, our water stopped working again. The next Friday, I broke my ankle. A Friday or two later, the front wheel fell off of Jordan's truck. We headed out on a vacation of sorts, and Cate had a severe allergic reaction to something. We dropped the price on our house, only to have to the showings nearly completely stop... I could continue with lots of other little things, but I'll spare you the self-pity party. It's been a lot of little things that have mounted up to mountains of discouragement and today, I have just felt really tired.

Our van (the one WITH a transmission that works) is barely running and after pulling over twice this morning on my way back from the store so that it didn't overheat, I found myself sobbing in the parking lot. I text Jordan that I was ready to just quit. When was the Lord going to show up? When are the 'trials' going to stop? When will our house sell? When will there be some glimmer of hope that, by golly, we just might make it to St. Kitts?! I sat for a long time, wallowing in my frustration with all of life in that moment. My husband is a really patient and wise man, and responded with encouragement from a commentary he had just read, "Before we can know His strength, we are made conscious of our weakness. In our weakness, His strength is made perfect." He continued on- Jordan McGaughey commentary now- "We are not supposed to sit around and not have to totally rely upon God. This is the normal Christian life. He WILL sustain. Rest!!!!" Timely words from a man that I respect more every single day, as I watch him hold fast to Jesus. I would love to be able to muscle my way through this time, to be able to write out a plan, see it all come to action, for the waters to be smooth. But it'd be far easier for me, for us to get the glory in that. With things as they have been, there is no doubt that it is only going to be the Lord that gets us to St. Kitts. There will be no mistaking who is our Provider and Sustainer!

I wish I could say that this morning was an isolated incident, the first time I've figuratively thrown in the towel and decided it was too hard and too much and that the Lord just couldn't do it all, but it's not. Not even close. This season has been, if nothing else, one of revealing my heart. On the second Friday of our water choosing to stop working, I was a mess, curled up in a ball, sobbing, throwing the fists of my heart angrily at the Lord. Oh, the questions were pointed- How could You?! Where are You?! Don't You see us?! Thankfully, I serve a God big enough to take my outbursts and am privileged to do life with a man who is quick to lovingly remind me of the Lord's faithfulness. There was a shift that happened that night as Jordan read the truth of Scripture over my angry heart and prayed me through a hard, hard night-- a shift I thought had stuck until the breakdown today. It was shortly after that night that I came across a C.S. Lewis quote,

"God hasn't been trying an experiment on my faith or love in order to find out their quality. He knew it already. It was I who didn't."

and my eyes were opened in a big way. You guys! I have seemed to forget that the Lord loves me. That He LOVES me. That I am His child. That He sees me and He cares for me. That He is for me. That He doesn't see my shortcomings and run away exhausted... but He sees me and sees JESUS. That His love for me and His approval have nothing to do with my performance or my unwavering faith (ha) but simply and only the work of Jesus on the cross. When I quit believing that, I start believing a whole lot of ugly lies... Like that I can earn or lose God's favor. Like that He's a taskmaster, keeping score. That He doesn't see me or hear me. I'd slipped into this mentality that took my eyes off of Jesus and the grace that has been lavished on me and into one where I believed that the Lord was against me. That all of this was some game and I was losing in a big, big way. Please hear me-- That is NOT the God I know, that I love... and that is not the Good Shepherd who knows me and loves me. He allows these trials, these hard things in our lives, absolutely. We may never know this side of heaven why things play out like they do-- but it has nothing to do with His never-changing love, I assure you of that. I know for me, in this season, much much much of these 'hard things' have been to reveal and refine. I was not aware of just how little I trusted the Lord. I was unaware that I doubted His kindness towards me. I did not see how I questioned His faithfulness, that I doubted that His eyes see even me. As much as I think I would prefer smooth sailing, I am thankful for a Savior who calls me out and walks with me through the fire, and that through the fire, He proves Himself faithful over and over again.

I am confident that the Lord has asked us to 'go'. I am confident, also, that it will not be by our power or our might that we get there. It will only be the hand of God, His provision and miracle working that land us on that little island in less than three months... and how sweet will it be to breathe in that island air and know that we are exactly where He wants us to be. We spent last week at a pastor's conference, and the message we heard was the same over and over: Whatever Jesus says, do it. Fill the water jugs, dig the ditches, and then watch Him work. So that's exactly what we intend to do. We are beggars for prayer and would love (and so appreciate) being lifted these next few months as we finish up our time in Indy and make the move to St. Kitts. Please pray that we would walk rightly, that we would not be shaken, that we would hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering (because He who promised IS FAITHFUL) no matter the circumstance. Pray for a buyer for our home, a team to surround us in prayer, for financial support, for our sweet baby joining our family in just a couple of weeks, for our kiddos... Pray that we would cling to Jesus and that our hope would be only in Him.

Your grace abounds in deepest waters

Your sovereign hand

Will be my guide

Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me

You've never failed and You won't start now...

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

random wednesday thoughts:

It was a doozy of a day. Instead of delving into the details and throwing myself a little pity party, we'll just do a little bullet post full of McG family happenings. 

-Our house is still for sale. (Did I ever mention that we listed it?! We did. Two months and twelve showings ago.) We would love and appreciate prayer for a buyer! Keeping a house show-ready is a tricky task. One that I am quite over. :)

-I am 30.5 weeks pregnant. As in, we are in the final stretch of this pregnancy. Holy. Cow. This baby (gender still unknown) may very well end up nameless. We have a girl name we like, but no middle names and no boy names period. Yikes. 

-I just made a bowl of salsa and used a whole habanero and a whole jalapeno. I don't think I could eat something too spicy right now. 

-Two weeks ago, my ankle swelled up and began hurting. Since then, it's swelled off and on and the pain has come and gone. I mentioned it at an OB appointment yesterday, and they decided we needed to do an x-ray. Turns out I have "body fracture fragments" in my left ankle -- (from what I understand, piece of bone that has broken off and is loose in the ankle) -- one that appears to be old on the inside of my ankle, and a fresh, jagged spot on the outside. I am in a walking boot for the next three weeks at least, and will see what needs to be done from there.

-I am really really really thankful for a working air conditioner. (It has been in the 90's the last two weeks!)

-I still really love pumpkin spice lattes.

-and ice water. Cannot get enough ice water.

-My big kiddos are loving school. Nora loves mornings at home with just mama and loves when it's time to get Corban and Cate at noon. It's been a sweet transition-- I'm thankful for this time, and man oh man, are we going to miss it.

-Jordan and I are doing some discipleship training (t4t) with another missionary couple and it's been so good-- especially for me. The people we are meeting with are just incredible. So thankful that the Lord has them still here in this season and that we are able to have this time with them!! (Check out coopersonamission.com -- you will be encouraged, challenged, and blessed. Their hearts and their passion to follow hard after Jesus leave you wanting to do the same.)

-I am a soon to be homeschooling mom. I have started researching homeschool curriculums at least 600 times and then get overwhelmed by all the information and the crazy costs and quit. If anyone just wants to tell me what to do, that would be great. :) 

-Jordan is watching a cheesy western on TV and I am researching names (with no luck) and that probably means we should just go to bed. And so I will. Goodnight!

a perfect Saturday.

It's reached the time of year where my camera comes out of the bag only for photo sessions. I realized, while looking for some pictures of my kiddos, that I hadn't taken a single one of them (excluding the iphone) in weeks. I rectified that this weekend. :) We had the most perfect Saturday... a day away, no cell phone service, with family and friends that we love. We (they) jumped off the high dock, swam, boated, tubed, fished, hot tubbed, etc. etc. etc. It was a glorious mini-getaway and left us feeling ready for the week. I'm so grateful that we said yes to a day of rest instead of the day of ceiling painting we had planned. :) (The ceilings remain unpainted, however...)

I think I want to frame every single one of these! It's refreshing to break out my camera and just shoot for me, just capture our babies just being themselves. I don't know why I don't do more of it! Anyway, here's a few pics of just my precious kiddos:

first day!

First Day of School, 2013

 Caters, first day of Pre-K

 Corban, first day of kindergarten

They had an amazing first day and were so excited about going.
That bottom picture of the two of them is one I imagine will be on a slide show at their weddings... I pray that they always love each other like they do now, you know? They were in the same class last year (it happens when you're only 17 months apart!), but Corban moved up to Kindergarten this year and Cate is in Pre-K. Cate's teacher told me that he ran up and gave her a big hug when he saw her on the playground at recess. Truly, they are the best of friends and I am so thankful for their relationship. We had an amazing day of back-to-school shopping on Monday and were out literally all day. It was one of those 'my heart is bursting' type of days and I couldn't believe the ease with which we tackled our to-do lists and laughed and enjoyed doing so. We've come a long way, friends. Three babies in three years is no joke, but I praise God for his perfect timing and choosing us to bless us like He did, when He did. There were a couple of years when doing anything without another set of hands AND a stroller seemed impossible, but Monday was proof again that we are in a sweet, sweet new season.
I had two different moms stop me and ask the age of my kids (including the one in utero) who went on to tell me about their four children close in age. One mama said her children are now ages 8-14 and she's 'blown away every day by how fun it is'. I love that; I love the mom's who take the time to encourage us who are earlier on in this sweet journey of motherhood.
I guess I am just feeling nostalgic and emotional at this quick new beginning that will soon lead to another new beginning. I am so thankful that they (the kiddos) will have the constancy of each other as we transition to all of the new that's coming, you know? I'm thankful that they get the excitement of first day of school, of new school supplies, of walking down the halls of Horizon for a few more months, and then I'm thankful that they'll have each other as peers and classmates in the next. All around- just feeling thankful.

us!

Last week, my dear friend Lexi (of Lexi Russell Photography) snapped a few pictures of us after dinner. We needed an updated family photo for our missions website/prayer magnets/etc., as our last family pictures were taken when Nora was just over a year old, so we stopped by our church and had a real quick session. It was practically dark and super cloudy, but I love how 'us' these are. Funny how it works out... the very first picture we took ended up being the one where everyone is looking and smiling. The rest are just fun. :)

(I only watermarked them because there's been some issues with my images being stolen! Like I said, I didn't take these, just edited them.)

It's so crazy to me that these photos, too, will so quickly be outdated. We are just a few short months from our fourth baby joining us! I can't wrap my mind around being 25 weeks already! I have a lot to say about that- this new life, the months spent waiting and praying for this little one, the many emotions after having lost a baby and then carrying another one... I am just so thankful, so overwhelmed with gratitude for this sweet life growing inside of me. A whole post on the subject to come!

We are currently designing and ordering our prayer support cards, business cards, magnets, etc... It's all becoming so real. Have I said that already?! This week also marks the start of school for the kiddos- Corban to Kindergarten (still half day, praise the Lord!), and Caters to pre-school half-day everyday as well. I'm looking forward to settling into a new routine, though so sad that summer has passed so quickly. We have a lot to do in the next five months (!!!!) and the time with them in school should be helpful. They are really excited about returning, and I'm really grateful for that. Come January, we will begin homeschooling, so this time with them in school will allow me some time to research and prepare for that transition as well. So much change soon to be coming! As I've said in every post as of late, we really would love and appreciate prayer. For a list of things you could pray through, visit here: mcgmissions.com/prayer. Also, feel free to look around the website if you haven't already- lots of info there! We had a few people ask about being able to subscribe via email, so we just added that to the site as well. It's so crazy to be in this season, to be just months away from this move... to be in a position where we know that only God can make all of this happen. It's going to be (amongst many other things) so sweet...

Have a great day! 

home from our soon-to-be home

It's been quiet in this little space since two huge, life-altering announcements, and I think I'm ready to really talk now.
It's been a whirlwind on all fronts and my emotions have been many. We just returned home from 13 days in St. Kitts-- our last youth mission trip, our first to the island knowing it's our soon-to-be home. We listed our house while we were gone, had six showings while we were gone. We got home at 11:30pm Saturday night and threw a birthday party for Corban on Sunday. We slept in this morning and then spent a glorious few hours creek stomping with some dear friends and I feel like I'm finally beginning to let go of that breath I've been holding for months now, finally beginning to process all of this that is our life.

I'd like to pretend that I've got only excitement and am running full steam ahead with anticipation for what is to come, but that isn't the reality. Being in St. Kitts was a huge reality check: this is going to be hard. Oh, it'll be sweet and good, I am sure of that, but it is not going to be easy. As we exited the plane and breathed in the humid air, I fought tears-- not even knowing what I was feeling. I don't know if I've ever felt more colliding emotions at once. We walked through the days and the trip was really sweet, but I saw it all through a different lens this time: this is my new home.

It was good to be there and be with the Grayson's and get a glimpse of the ministries we will be a part of and see how and where we may fit in. There's definitely an excitement to plug in and get to work. But there's going to be a season of adjustment... To a new place, a new culture, to being away from our families and all that we currently know as comfortable and familiar. I was so thankful to be able to sit in the evenings before bed and talk it out with Jordan- for him to let me process and laugh and cry and then to sit and pray. This new season of stepping out is doing sweet, sweet things for our marriage and I am so thankful to be walking through it with Jordan by my side. I can't wait to get down there with our kiddos-- to watch them see the island for the first time, to play pick up soccer, to watch the little girls grab Cate's light brown curls and for her to be equally enthralled with their beaded braids. They talk about tasting fresh mangos and snorkeling and exploring and it is going to be so sweet to see the island through their eyes, you know? I am looking forward to a new start, for a season of 'new', even in the midst of the hard, to learn and grow together. It will be so good to be doing ministry with Brandon and Wendi again-- just the simple likemindedness is so sweet, to have hearts united and the same vision and burden and I really look forward to us all being a team again. I have no doubt that the Lord has big plans for this tiny island... and I really AM excited to be a part of whatever He has in store. 

It's just a lot to take in, how new and different it all will really be. Currency conversions, a language that is the same but sounds so different, homeschooling, new foods, driving, etc. etc. etc. Little things, certainly, but still different. And the biggest, hardest... just being away. I know that in this the Lord will stretch us and grow us and there will be a sweetness to relationships despite the distance, perhaps even BECAUSE of the distance, but all these things have me doing a whole lot of processing. 

So from here, things get really real. The mission trip was my far-off point that was my marker for time remaining. After the trip comes 'buckle down and get serious' time, and well, that time is here. I think that's why I've been such a mess of emotions-- it's just all becoming very very real. We would LOVE for you to be praying for us... for our house to sell, for our time remaining with the youth, for our kids and families as we prepare for the move, for prayer team and support raising, for the little baby growing inside of me, for all the little details between here and there. It is very easy for me to become overwhelmed by 'all the things' but we are praying to keep our eyes fixed on Jesus, to walk rightly in the midst of it all, that our focus wouldn't be on our circumstances-- we would definitely love for you to join in with us.

On that note, I'm sorry for saying 'sweet' nine million times and being too brain dead to come up with a different adjective. :) I'm off to enjoy getting groceries at Super Target while I still can, then put groceries away in our house while it's still our home. All of the normal daily things feel a little different now, knowing that the time left doing them is limited. I hope to be doing more writing now that our busyness is shifting and we begin to transition to all of the 'new'. Have a great day!

when God says, "Go!"

If I would have written this post two and a half years ago, it would have been entitled, "when God says 'stay'." We had just survived the hardest year of our lives; enduring the death of my little brother and the immense grief that followed. We had a new baby (our third!). Our best friends and partners in youth ministry had just moved out of the country. Ministry felt lonely. The season was difficult. I ached for fresh. New. Exciting. But what the Lord spoke over and over was that we were to stay. We were to stay and serve, to 'bury our bones', that our 'mission' was this little suburb we live in, these youths surrounding us, this church we had grown to love.
There was a long period of seemingly hard, but what came afterwards was the sweetest season of serving in ministry that we've ever had. Relationships grew. Roots went deep, deep, deep. Though I knew it wouldn't be, I dreamed of staying exactly where we are, doing exactly what we're doing for the rest of our lives.
Funny how the heart can change, huh?

Over the last year, I have watched a vision and a burden grow within my husband. I've watched him be faithful to pray, faithful to surrender, faithful to serve. I have seen the Lord working and stirring and I have resisted something fierce. The Lord has been so gracious and my husband so patient, and I felt (although terrified) prepared when it was all out on the table:

The Lord is moving us on, sending us out. Our time in Indianapolis is coming quickly to a close and we will be beginning a new chapter come January 2014, as we join our best friends on that teeny tiny little island of St. Kitts.

It's been a roller coaster of emotions as we have begun to take steps in making this huge life change. My initial response was a two-fold grieving process: grieving the close of a season, and what I've jokingly dubbed the death of the American Dream. Leaving home-- which has far more to do with the people than the place-- is what will undoubtedly be the hardest. Moving away from our families, our kiddos away from their grandparents and aunts and uncles... our friends, our children from their friends, etc. etc. HARD. On a more surface level, leaving the comfort and familiarity of America will be a huge adjustment, too.
But friends, more than all of that, more than all of the 'hard' is an excitement to obey, to go, to watch the Lord provide and work and move and grow. The vision is big: We want to see the face of a nation changed as they grab ahold of the truth of Scripture, as the gospel is continued to be taught and demonstrated, as rules and religion are put to death and a relationship with Jesus is put in its place. Our desire is to go be a part of making disciples who make disciples who make disciples... who are then sent out to do the same. We are so excited to be joining back up and serving alongside the Grayson's again. If there were ever hearts knitted together, it is ours. We have so missed our dear friends and have prayed since the day they left that the Lord would allow us to serve together again. (My plan was on US soil, but hey, what do I know?! haha). Just all the way around, a huge excitement and anticipation for what the Lord wants to do with this little 65 square mile rock.

So there it is. A new baby coming November, and a new season starting January. We would looooooove (and desperately need) prayer as we walk forward in this-- selling our house, preparing our kiddos for and walking in transition after transition, raising support, etc. There have been many moments of 'overwhelmed' but I keep going back to Romans 4:21-22... Abraham did not waver at the promise of God through unbelief, but was strengthened in faith, giving glory to God, and being fully convinced that what He promised, He was also able to perform. The Lord has undoubtedly set this move before us. There has been confirmation after confirmation and we are confident that this is the direction He is moving us, and if He is calling us, He is going to make a way for it to happen. Please pray that we will walk in faith, that we will keep our eyes fixed on Jesus, that we will rest in His goodness and grace.

Lastly-- please check out our missions website/blog at mcgmissions.com. There's tons of info and details there about the island and what we will be doing and the logistics of it all. I'm planning on doing a "q&a" type post here in the next few days with the questions I seem to regularly be getting, so feel free to leave any questions you might have in the comments of this post!

We are excited, thankful, overwhelmed, full of anticipation. It is so sweet to trust in Jesus...