Friday, October 14, 2011

oh you know.

just some pics of my sweet babies.
Things are busy around here. I'm hanging on until November... and then things calm down a little. This week holds five photo session (4 of which are tomorrow), and the next two weeks have weekend weddings (that I'm photographing) with multiple sessions mixed in. But November is looking calmer, and I'm not taking much in Decemeber, so rest is coming. 
Also- Everyone is fighting colds around here.
Nora turned 9 months old almost two weeks ago. She continues to grow sweeter by the minute. It's incredible... so incredible.. to be her mama. I really and truly have never known a happier, more content baby. She's crawling and cruising like crazy, waves, gives sweet kisses, likes food- all of it, and loves her big brother and sister an amazing amount. She can be a little bashful sometimes and seems to lack that fearless gene my other two have (not complaining). :) 
Caters will be 3 in 3 months, and how that is possible I am just not sure. She is a mystery to me, my little girl... She is wired and works in a way that I have yet to figure out. But we're pushing through... we'll get there. :) I stand firm in my belief that 2.5 is the hardest age to parent, in case you're wondering. :)
Cate loves all things princess and wedding and babies. She also loves dirt and mud and bikes. She is as strong-willed as ever and can give the fiercest looks you've ever seen on a face so sweet. She operates a little like this: ON. OFF. No middle ground with her. She also thinks naps are for the birds, much to my dismay. She's so sharp, though, and picks up things quick quick quick. She can spell most of the words her big brother can (Corban, Cate, Mom), and loves to be read to and do puzzles. She really is a sponge and is eager to be taught. I love her enthusiasm and energy and I love her desire to do whatever mama does. She's my girl--- and the Lord is using her to streeeeeeeeeeeetch this mama's heart. :) 
Corbanator is SO big. A kid. It blows my mind. He is absolutely thriving in school. His behavior has been excellent the entire year and I am blown away at how much and how quickly he is learning. I think it's just a matter of time before he's reading-- and he is SO eager to get there! I'm looking forward to hearing what his teacher has to say at our first parent-teacher conference on Monday. It seems a little surreal to me that I am attending a parent/teacher conference as a parent. I'm really a mom now, right?! haha. He is growing and changing so much, though... He's got a sweet and tender heart, and is very much a people person. I so love the little boy he is... am so proud to be his Mama.
Okay. That's all I've got for a quick summary. I need to do a 'cate says' post soon... the girl keeps me laughing-- she's hilarious! I've spent too much time not being productive and my big kids are jumping around instead of resting, so I better get back at it!!

Saturday, October 1, 2011

two years.


Laura Story summed it up best in her song, "Blessings":

The pain reminds this heart that this not our home.

Maybe tomorrow I'll be able to write more.
but today... my heart is too sad.
Tomorrow marks two years since we said goodbye.
I miss him more than ever...
I'm holding onto the comfort and peace found only in and through Jesus...and the hope of heaven, the endless time of no more tears and heartbreak, eternity in the presence of the Lord where there is the fullness of joy.

but it still hurts. 
I'm stuck in this land of 'what could have beens' and 'what ifs'. I can only imagine how amazing of a young man he would've been, all the fun things he would've done with us, how much his oldest nephew would've cherished their time together, the kind of truck he'd be driving in a week (his 16th birthday would have been the 9th)... how excited he would've been about Nora James, how much he would've enjoyed the spontaneity of Caters. I'm sure he would've tagged along to St. Kitts with us, would be paint balling with Jordan right now, would come back and want coffee with his sissy and mexican food.
My heart aches... just aches.. for what could have been, and what never will be.
I miss my little brother more than words could ever say and those words seem so shallow compared to the ache of this loss. 
I'm left reminded though, that we don't get do-overs. We aren't promised tomorrow with those we love. We don't have another life to live, another chance to get it right. 
I don't have regrets on the way things were with JD and I... I just wish there was more time, more pictures, more memories. 

JD lived his life so well.  He was bold in his faith, quick to express his love, made what was important to him his priority. His eyes were fixed on Jesus, and he made sure that was known. On his death bed he proclaimed that "God is good. We can trust Him and I do trust Him." I'm so proud that he's my little brother, and I am so proud of the example he set in the way he lived.
It's a hard few days. two years tomorrow, and what would have been sixteen years next sunday.
The numbness is long gone and the reality is hard, but God has been always faithful and an ever-present help in time of trouble.. He's been near to my broken heart and has given peace that surpasses understanding. The Word has been so true and real to me in the thick of this grief, and I have never been more sure of where (and in Whom) my hope lies. I'm holding onto those things tonight, tomorrow, forever...

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."
joshua 1:9