Friday, October 23, 2009

three weeks.

I cannot believe that it was just three weeks ago that I was sitting beside JD's bed, holding his hand, whispering that sissy was here, that I loved him, that he could rest now. I can't believe that twenty one days have passed... that life just continues on. I miss him so much.
I've spent a lot of time thinking lately, on life, on living life, on how JD lived his life... the funeral, things people have said, etc. And I keep thinking, concluding, that I want to live my life in such a way that there would be no trouble finding words at my funeral, that people would know that they know that they know that I'm with Jesus now, that they could say that I inspired them, encouraged them, comforted them. I want to live a life sold out for the Lord, unashamed. I want to be bold. I just keep thinking, how am I living? what does my life say that I believe?


I've been spending a lot of time in the Word and reading books, a lot of time journaling. I would most definitely recommend Greg Laurie's 'Hope for Hurting Hearts' to anyone who has lost someone, who knows someone who has lost someone, who may lose someone someday. (Get the picture? Read the book! Anyone and everyone!) It was written in the midst of his grief after losing his son, and my heart echoes so much of what he's said... and it truly has brought hope for my hurting heart and just solidified my desire to continue on, following after Jesus. He was talking about the thousands of comments he received on his blog after losing his son and he said this to his supporters:
"My word to those who have written to us and prayed for us is simply this: I still believe. God is real, and He is present. Our faith is true. The Lord is with me moment by moment, and He will be with you in your darkest hour, too...Heaven is closer to me now, and earth is less attractive. But I still have a task to do, and I want to do it."

Yes... my heart exactly. Three weeks out, God is still proving Himself faithful, still carrying us through. He hasn't left us, and we are not forsaken. He is still good. He will 'be with us wherever we will go.' This is hard... harder than I ever dreamed it would be. And the last week has been harder than the first two- maybe numbness is fading and reality is settling in, I don't know, but it's just been hard.
And I can't figure out how to conclude this, and so I won't. I'll just stop there. Things are hard, I miss my brother, but God is good.
Happy weekend!

5 comments:

  1. today is the first day I had trouble staying out of bed. I'm struggling today big-time. My daughter - so wise in her young age.... I couldn't be prouder. Your words are so true. I love you! Mom

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  2. There is not a single doubt in my mind that everyone would be saying these very things about you. Life is such a journey and the love you have and show for Jesus is a light to everyone :)
    Love you!
    I am reading the same devotional. I love it!

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  3. Hello there beautiful, wonderful cousin and friend of mine! I miss you all so much...I am finding it hard to sleep tonight...I had a very busy day at a 3rd Birthday party celebration but can't find myself able to lay my head down. I was around a big family today and it made me miss Indiana so much more it ALMOST hurts...but then I remember my gratitude for the moment of now and staying connected is what will bring me to where I need to be in the future. So I am here now reading all the wonderful blogs I had NO idea you wrote! It helps me feel like I am right there with you. I think of you every day, and JD and the meaning of all this madness! But I have faith in God and the Angels that guide us. We are truly a blessed family and I will forever be grateful for people like you in my life! I love you Kristen!
    ~Ashleigh

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  4. I'm not going to pretend to know how you feel because I don't. I can only imagine the pain you are going through, where one day you feel semi normal and the next you can't understand how the world and lives are still moving. I admire your faith. Love you.

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  5. PS This song came to mind when you said "...I want to live my life in such a way that there would be no trouble finding words at my funeral, that people would know that they know that they know that I'm with Jesus now, that they could say that I inspired them, encouraged them, comforted them"

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pA5-wMCR3aQ

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