three weeks.

I cannot believe that it was just three weeks ago that I was sitting beside JD's bed, holding his hand, whispering that sissy was here, that I loved him, that he could rest now. I can't believe that twenty one days have passed... that life just continues on. I miss him so much.
I've spent a lot of time thinking lately, on life, on living life, on how JD lived his life... the funeral, things people have said, etc. And I keep thinking, concluding, that I want to live my life in such a way that there would be no trouble finding words at my funeral, that people would know that they know that they know that I'm with Jesus now, that they could say that I inspired them, encouraged them, comforted them. I want to live a life sold out for the Lord, unashamed. I want to be bold. I just keep thinking, how am I living? what does my life say that I believe?


I've been spending a lot of time in the Word and reading books, a lot of time journaling. I would most definitely recommend Greg Laurie's 'Hope for Hurting Hearts' to anyone who has lost someone, who knows someone who has lost someone, who may lose someone someday. (Get the picture? Read the book! Anyone and everyone!) It was written in the midst of his grief after losing his son, and my heart echoes so much of what he's said... and it truly has brought hope for my hurting heart and just solidified my desire to continue on, following after Jesus. He was talking about the thousands of comments he received on his blog after losing his son and he said this to his supporters:

"My word to those who have written to us and prayed for us is simply this: I still believe. God is real, and He is present. Our faith is true. The Lord is with me moment by moment, and He will be with you in your darkest hour, too...Heaven is closer to me now, and earth is less attractive. But I still have a task to do, and I want to do it."

Yes... my heart exactly. Three weeks out, God is still proving Himself faithful, still carrying us through. He hasn't left us, and we are not forsaken. He is still good. He will 'be with us wherever we will go.' This is hard... harder than I ever dreamed it would be. And the last week has been harder than the first two- maybe numbness is fading and reality is settling in, I don't know, but it's just been hard.
And I can't figure out how to conclude this, and so I won't. I'll just stop there. Things are hard, I miss my brother, but God is good.
Happy weekend!