Monday, October 26, 2009


I was driving home from the park this morning, and I knew I had heard the song that came on before, and I couldn't place it... I knew it was one that I tucked away to remember, and then the chorus hit..
Whatever will come, we'll rise above
No matter the war, our hope is secure
You fail us not...
You are bigger than the battle...
You fail us not...
Can I be honest with you?
I have these moments where I feel slighted, like God got it wrong. Didn't He hear the thousands of people praying? Didn't He see us proclaiming Him good through each and every storm? Didn't He know that people were watching and waiting? Didn't He realize that there would be no doubt where the miracle came from?
The answer to those questions, though, is yes. He did hear, He did see, He did know. And yet He still took JD home to be with Him. Sometimes, that makes me so mad. Sometimes I do feel disappointed, failed. Something I battled with in my heart for a long, long time, prior to JD passing away was that just because God could heal JD didn't mean that He would. I couldn't quite wrap my brain around it, didn't know what to do with that understanding.
When we found out on August 26th that the cancer had spread to JD's spine, I remember having quite a wrestle with the Lord, and then simply being brokenhearted upon realizing what probably was to come. I remember crying to Jordan, getting ready to speak the words, "I hate that his days are numbered..." but before I could ever get the words out, God impressed so strongly on my heart the verses in Psalm 139. As soon as I opened my mouth to speak, I know that God said to me, "They always have been." And in Your book were all written the days that were ordained for me, when as yet there was not one of them. How precious are your thoughts to me, O God. (ps 139:16). Yes, though his days were numbered... they always had been.
My husband gave me this analogy in one of many conversations with me just not understanding, being so perplexed. Think about being at a parade. You're standing on the side of the road, watching the marching band go on past. You crane your neck trying to get a glimpse of the dancers rounding the corner. Suddenly they're in front of you and you glance the other way to see the back of the band, and then back beyond the dancers to see Big Bird coming. We get snippets. God, however, sees every bit of the parade at once. We can only see what's within our eyesight, but He sees it all, every last detail, simultaneously. He sees what we can't. He knows what has passed, He knows what we're seeing right now, and He can see what's coming, long before it begins to round the corner.
It's important that we remember that. Once I lose sight of that, of realizing that God knows what He's doing, that He sees the big picture... I can get pretty hung up on wondering why things didn't happen like I wanted them to. I've referenced Jesus praying before He went to the cross saying "Lord, if there's any other way, take this cup from Me" before. That was an important verse for me before, just seeing that even JESUS had a hard time accepting what was placed before Him... but now, I feel like the Lord has used it in a different way. If there were any other way for God's will to be accomplished, things would've happened differently. But for whatever reason, this is how it had to be. There was no other way.
While I'd give anything for things to be different, I know that I wasn't failed. God didn't get it wrong. He is in control. He wasn't out golfing while we were on our knees. He heard every last whisper on JD's behalf... and chose miracles to come in different form. Man... I hate it. I miss my brother in a way that aches like nothing I've ever known before, but I trust that God is in control, that His plan is good, that His ways are perfect. He fails us not.


  1. Wow. That was so insightful and wise. I can already see how the Lord is using this to grow you, your faith, and your witness for HIS glory. For that He should be praised, no?

  2. How right you are. I hate all of this, but I told someone tonight who was also visiting JD's grave - God is so much smarter than I am. He knows what I didn't. I can only cling onto that..... Love you honey! Mom

  3. wow, kristen. thanks for sharing. i appreciate the honesty, but also the perspective. your focus is certainly in the right place and that continues to minister to everyone around you...praying for you always, dear.

  4. I felt deja vu reading your words: "just because God could heal JD didn't mean that He would." It's a HARD understanding, isn't it? I've never heard anyone else articulate it that way, and I've written almost exactly the same thing many times. It took me a long time to really believe God DID actively heal people today, and then to realize that he CAN but might NOT really shook me for a while. My mom was diagnosed with small-cell lung cancer over a year ago, and we're blessed that she's in remission right now, but I've struggled with this same thought.

    You don't know me, but I'm praying for you and your family. I wish I had wonderful words of comfort and wisdom, but all I know is your words bring ME comfort. God uses you in a mighty way to reach people, and I hope you will always continue to share your heart and your faith so openly. It's so glorifying to God and honoring to your brother. Thank you.

  5. Hi Kristen,
    I stopped by Alyssa's and she was on the phone with you and had been talking about this blog. It reminded me of the 2nd chapter in the book "Hearing Jesus Speak into Your Sorrow" so I revisited that portion of the book this morning. Here is what the author, a mother who had two infants go home to the Lord within 6 months of birth, would hear Jesus speak into her sorrow and thus the book was written to share His ministering words. Each chapter is based upon specific Words of Jesus in the Bible and then she ends with what she heard from the Lord as she waited upon Him. I'd like to share that prayer of Jesus' with you as it relates so well to what you've written...

    "Just as I prayed for you when I was on earth, I am interceding for you before the throne of God, now and forever. In your utter weakness and deepest despair, when you don't have the words or the will to ask for what you need, my Holy Spirit is praying for you with the kind of passionate groaning for which there are no words.
    You can be confident that God will say yes to what the Spirit prays for you, because He always pleads for God to accomplish His perfect will for your life. He is at work in you and on your behalf, tearing down the walls of your resistance to God's will.

    The answer to the Spirit's prayers may not be what you would ask for on your own, but don't you want our Father's will to be done in your life more than you want to get what you want? Remember that He will cause everything in your life to work together for your ultimate good.

    I hear your prayers, asking for your path to be smooth and asking the Father to bless your plans with success. But I have to tell you, that is not how I am praying for you. I love you too much for that. I am praying that when your plans go awry and your efforts fail, your faith will not. I am asking the Father to give you the good gift you have asked Him for - more of my Holy Spirit at work in the inerior of you life and character.

    I am praying that you will walk in the truth and complete the work that has been entrusted to you - not so you can revel in the glory, but so you can experience the joy of giving the glory back to me. I am praying that the truth of my Word will teach you and refine you, even though that refining may be painful, because I know your greatest happiness will come as you become holy as I am holy.

    The day is coming when you will see and share in the glory I have shared with My Father since before Creation. I'm praying that God will purify you and protect you until that coming day."

    He IS being glorified in you! All praise be to Him who is the Lifter of our heads, the Comforter, and the Strength of our lives.

  6. Wow! What cool comments. God loves you so much. Thanks for sharing your heart, being honest, and listening to God.

  7. Kristen,
    I want you to know how much I appreciate your honesty and sharing. I love being able to see people determine to come out of really hard, hurtful situations by depending on God even when we don't understand Him. He truly is the only One who never fails us!
    I'm praying for you and your family.


Leave your thoughts, questions, answers here!