Tuesday, October 13, 2009


The kids are napping, the house is semi-picked up (and I say that very loosely), and I'm enjoying a mid-afternoon pot of coffee. I'd say cup, but I'd be lying. I'll drink every last drop of that pot. It's a nasty habit that has gotten way out of control during the long-hospital-day/long-sleepless-night schedule. Regardless, my coffee is good and today, my heart is light.
I feel an ease today which I haven't felt in a long time. I heard my mom really laugh yesterday, and that did more for my heart than I could ever express. I had really sweet time with the Lord as I began reading 'Hope for Hurting Hearts' and then doing the Beth Moore 'Jesus' study. I opened my heart to my husband and shared with him the desires being stirred up in my heart, and what I feel God is saying about them... which is to wait, to keep seeking, keep clinging, to allow Him to work in me first. I sighed as I echoed nearly every word of what Greg Laurie had to saying regarding his brokenheart, but felt encouraged at the hope and peace he proclaimed. I played lots of baseball with my son, and laughed with Cate as she laughed at herself. I found a pair of American Eagle jeans, my size, and LONG at Marshalls for $16. I also got a speeding ticket, but that's another story for another day.
Today, I'm doing okay.
Grief is a funny thing. One minute, I'm fine. The next, I'm crying. Some days I can tell story after story about my little brother with a smile on my face. Others, I can barely speak his name. I can't believe that it's only been 11 days, though. I feel like it's been forever... and I miss him so terribly. But man.. I keep thinking about what he's experiencing right now- can you imagine?! During his funeral, the song 'I can only imagine' was played. First, I kept thinking that JD doesn't have to imagine anymore, that he knows. The second chorus through, though, I nudged my big brother Brandon and whispered, "I bet he's dancing," and Brandon laughed and said he nearly nudged me to say the same. That makes my heart smile. In his book HFHH (see above), Greg Laurie says, "My desire to be in heaven is greater now than ever before, and heaven is more real to me now than any time I can remember. Why? Because I have an investment there now." That's exactly how I feel. All of this has forced me to really step back and evaluate how I'm living, what my priorities are, what my focus is. I keep thinking about the incredible impact that JD has made and how and why, and really, it boilsdown to these two things: He loved Jesus, and he loved people. Simple as that.
Anyway, my little boy is stomping around upstairs, signaling that my time is up. Here's to hoping he's in the mood to snuggle... :)


  1. We came home and I downloaded that song onto my Ipod. I had it but not the MercyMe version. We sang it over and over and over. I long for the day. I pray, "Jesus, come back soon" every night but if He doesn't come back in my lifetime, I, like you want to live that simple faith and make an impact for others so they can know the joy of Christ. Keep writing as you grieve. You are helping other. Praying for you. Carrie

  2. A good friend of mind lost her husband one year ago. I'm going to share your link with her because I think the Lord could use the way you openly share your heart. Just wanted you to know that - even in the midst of loss and sorrow you are a vessle used by Him. (and that's very cool!)

  3. Glad to hear your voice, your good cup of coffee, your light mood, and your good quiet times!

  4. I have never had coffee, and I have told myself that I won't ever because I don't want to become addicted to it. Lol. But some days, like today, I want SO badly to drink coffee. Sigh.

    Thank you for being so open and honest throughout all of this. I became all teary-eyed reading all of this. Hugs!


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