Monday, October 19, 2009

sad and raw. beware.

My heart is broken.
I had several 'good' days. Things seemed better once I got home, back to my house, where JD didn't live, where his bedroom wasn't, where his absence wasn't glaring around every corner. But now, man. I had a dream about him Friday morning... nothing crazy, he was just there, just in it, and I woke up with an ache so incredible, so overwhelming. I haven't been able to shake it since. We saw family on Saturday. My cousin Mady is JD's age. They were so close. Mady has a sister my age, who was there too. You have no idea how my heart broke just watching them together, picking on eachother. It's only been 17 days, but I miss that so much.
I don't have a little brother anymore! Do you realize that?! I just hate it... I loved being Sissy so much.
How does life just continue? How can it be? How do I keep being Mama, keep cooking dinner, keeping being here... when I just miss him so much? I know the answer is that it just does, and I just do- but the last few days, today, it's just hard. I want to hop in the car, drive to Crawfordsville and lay on top of that pile of dirt and cry. And then I want to drive to Mom and Jack's house, walk into JD's room and crawl into his bed and cry. I wish I could just cry him back here. I know that sounds dumb, all of this sounds silly. But this is real, this is today.
I've been listening to 'you never let go' by David Crowder Band nonstop today. It's such a comfort for me. When clouds brought rain and disaster came, when waters rose and hope had flown... In joy and pain, sun and rain, You're the same, You never let go... I see that, I feel that, I believe that- but it doesn't take the heartache away. God IS still good. I don't believe that any less today, but today, I'm just sad. I've got a lot to say, a lot I'm processing, a lot I'm praying through. There are so many moments I'd love to share, but I'm not ready yet. It's easier to talk about than to write about right now, and that's only sometimes. Sometimes I want to talk talk talk about it... othertimes I don't want to say a word. It seems most people are afraid to discuss it with me, really. I'll start saying something, and the responses get real short. I know they don't know what to say... I know that. But sometimes I just need them to listen. It's just hard all the way around.
Anyway, my baby girl is crying. I think something startled her awake, though I'm not sure what. Hopefully I can get her to lay back down, as nap time is far from over. I'm really okay... just sad, that's all. I feel better after writing.. it's a good thing for me. I'm gonna go lay on the couch and read for awhile... the cleaning can wait. :)


  1. i'm so sorry that you're sad. you loved him so much, i know. i hurt just reading your post and your mom's post on caringbridge. my heart literally aches for you all. nothing i can say will make it better. just know i'll listen. probably not who you would like to listen, but i will. we all love you and are praying for God's comfort.

  2. sweets, my heart just breaks more and more for you. none of what you said sounds dumb, and you know what, if it did-who cares? if writing helps you, do it, and say whatever you need to say. you will continue to be a momma and cook dinner and just BE, because you have to, and because you just simply WILL...funny, isn't it, how your world literally stopped moving when jd died, but everyone else's kept moving? not fair...but it just IS. i am never afraid to talk to you, about whatever you want, and even more not afraid to listen. love you.

  3. Thanks for always being so open and honest on here and sharing from your heart! As I've said before, I cannot even begin to fathom what you are going through. My heart just hurts so badly for you. Hugs!!!


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