Friday, October 9, 2009

Fourteen years ago today, my little brother was born.
One week ago today, he died.
This has been the hardest seven days of my life.
I've never been so surrounded, yet felt so alone.
I don't have the words, I can't explain my heart. This grieving stuff... it's just hard. I feel like no one in the world can begin to understand how I'm feeling. I feel like no one really 'gets' how much I loved JD.... how much I loved being Sissy. How I treasured those Saturday coffee dates whenever I came into town, how I loved making him breakfast all our lives and taking him to school my whole senior year. How I still have the card he mailed me while I was away my freshman year of college, how I'd give anything for a baggie of poptart crusts from him. How I loved, oh, so much loved that he wanted me at every appointment he had, that I was a source of comfort for him. I cherished my little brother. I loved our time together from the day he was born.
And now he's gone, and my heart is so broken.
We went to his gravesite today to send up some balloons for his birthday. 7 white, 7 blue. I had Jordan take a picture.... because it was breathtakingly beautiful. There wasn't a hint of shoveled dirt, barely a hint of a freshly burried casket. Every inch was covered and layered with flowers, of every variety, every color. It made seeing it a little easier, I guess. But as the balloons flew up, up, up... my tears collided with the rain on my face, and I wished I was holding onto those strings, flying away too. We watched until they were out of site, and then got in the car and drove away.
This is just so hard.

I'm just really sad today. Really, really sad.
Maybe this is all part of the 'healing process'... whatever that is.

I am thankful for this though:
Psalm 34:18- The Lord is near to the brokenhearted...
and this:
Lamentations 3:22- This I recall to my mind, and therefor I have hope. Through the Lord's mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning. Great is your faithfulness!"
I can say with full confidence that it's true. While I am a mess of emotions right now, I've never been more thankful, more grateful for an unwavering, ever-faithful, all-knowing God.

Much love,


  1. Kristen,
    I can't say I am sorry enough. I am praying for you.

    Carrie S.

  2. Incredible...your faith is amazing. I'm so've only heard it from me a million times, but I am. There isn't a day that goes by that you and your family aren't at the forefront of my thoughts and prayers, continually so, throughout each day.
    I love you, my sweet friend. If you ever want to sit and talk about living room design (or anything else), I'm all yours - you just name the time and place. I'd be happy to just sit and listen.

  3. It is truly beautiful that you had such a close relationship with him. That is a blessing and something to be very thankful for.
    I cannot tell you how sorry I am.
    Praying that Jesus heals your broken heart.

  4. I am so sorry. I am 19, and I have 4 siblings, and I cannot even fathom losing any of them. Two months ago my daddy went to heaven after a 10 month fight against pancreatic cancer. These words have been comforting to me (Feel free to ignore if not helpful ; ]

    "He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away" (Revelation 21:4). Hallelujah! JD will have no more tears or pain! Even so, it sucks for us left here. Thankfully, we have a God like this...

    "Praise be to...the God OF ALL COMFORT, WHO COMFOTRS US IN ALL OUR TROUBLES, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God" (2 Cor. 1:3-4).

    This is my pray for you and your family:
    "No may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way. The Lord be with all of you" (2 Thes. 3:16).

    There is no way I could possibly understand what you are going through, but I know from my own experience that the road is HARD, and somedays it just plain stinks...but I can tell you that GOD IS FAITHFUL. Praying that you find him faithful in the valley.

  5. Oh goodness, I'm sitting here in tears again. You two had such an incredibly special relationship! What a beautiful thing! I am so sorry Kristen. I don't know what else to say, but that I'm praying for you.


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