Fourteen years ago today, my little brother was born.
One week ago today, he died.
This has been the hardest seven days of my life.
I've never been so surrounded, yet felt so alone.
I don't have the words, I can't explain my heart. This grieving stuff... it's just hard. I feel like no one in the world can begin to understand how I'm feeling. I feel like no one really 'gets' how much I loved JD.... how much I loved being Sissy. How I treasured those Saturday coffee dates whenever I came into town, how I loved making him breakfast all our lives and taking him to school my whole senior year. How I still have the card he mailed me while I was away my freshman year of college, how I'd give anything for a baggie of poptart crusts from him. How I loved, oh, so much loved that he wanted me at every appointment he had, that I was a source of comfort for him. I cherished my little brother. I loved our time together from the day he was born.
And now he's gone, and my heart is so broken.
We went to his gravesite today to send up some balloons for his birthday. 7 white, 7 blue. I had Jordan take a picture.... because it was breathtakingly beautiful. There wasn't a hint of shoveled dirt, barely a hint of a freshly burried casket. Every inch was covered and layered with flowers, of every variety, every color. It made seeing it a little easier, I guess. But as the balloons flew up, up, up... my tears collided with the rain on my face, and I wished I was holding onto those strings, flying away too. We watched until they were out of site, and then got in the car and drove away.
This is just so hard.
I'm just really sad today. Really, really sad.
Maybe this is all part of the 'healing process'... whatever that is.
I am thankful for this though:
Psalm 34:18- The Lord is near to the brokenhearted...
Lamentations 3:22- This I recall to my mind, and therefor I have hope. Through the Lord's mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning. Great is your faithfulness!"
I can say with full confidence that it's true. While I am a mess of emotions right now, I've never been more thankful, more grateful for an unwavering, ever-faithful, all-knowing God.