Wednesday, August 19, 2009

I'm sitting here listening to both of my children babble off before falling asleep... some of the sweetest noises I've ever heard. I've got a diet coke (so sue me) and a baggie of puppy chow. My house is semi-clean, the windows are open, and for the moment, all is alright.
It's been a tough summer, friends.
Days like yesterday make me forever grateful for the support system that I have and more specifically, a God who promises to never leave or forsake me, who loves me and cares for me, who is a strongtower. Because otherwise, I'd fall apart at the seams.
I'm really at a loss with Cate's weight situation. It's so hard... everyone has differing opinions on what is right and what is wrong. It makes me feel a little crazy, but I know that the Lord made me Cate's mommy, and honestly, that brings me a lot of peace. We're praying and seeking and open to suggestions, for sure, but we do know and trust the doctor that we see, and respect her opinion tremendously. I battled with giving her formula for awhile, to be truthful. I did not want to do it. But what it boiled down to was this: What, in the long run, will be better for my little girl? If it is indeed an issue with my milk supply, and forumla boosts her weight up and she begins to grow- Praise God. It's definitely a chance I'm willing to take, because the seriousness of her continuing to not grow (or get smaller) far outweighs that of formula. I feel good about giving this a try. She doesn't love the formula, doesn't suck it down like she hasn't eaten in months. She's been taking an ounce or two after some feedings, but sometimes wants nothing to do with it. Other times, she'll take it without a problem. So I don't know, we'll see come Monday, I guess.
Her bloodwork came back good, overall. There were two things that were slightly low, and both seem to indicate being malnourished. Isn't that a terrible word? If there's ever been a word that made me feel inadequate as a mom, that is it. It tears me up to think that this could've been prevented, if it really is just my milk. I can't and won't play that game though, there's no use. She's given me no indication that she is starving and so I will not beat myself up... (listen to me convince myself).
Moving on.... My little brother was readmitted to the hospital yesterday, but is heading home right now. He's been in tremendous pain that pain medicine won't even knock an edge off of. Have I mentioned lately that I hate this? Because I do. I would give anything to take it all away... even to give him a day of normalcy. My heart is just breaking for him. That's all I can really say about it right now, because I just can't cry anymore.

Aren't I a bundle of fun? I'm sorry you, my few dear blog readers, get updates like this. I don't have many chances to write these days, and when I do, it's just an explosion of emotion. I'm not in a deep depression and I don't hate life. It's really quite the opposite. But this is how I process- I'm just a writer, words are therapeutic for me. Someday soon I'll write about all the cute things my kids are doing, or the wonderful date we had for our anniversary, or how in love with my completed down-stairs of my house I am. I just couldn't get there today. But maybe next time...


  1. The important thing is that you get it!! You hit the nail on the head when you stated that what you really want is the best thing for Cate. I think so many times moms pressure other moms to do the "right thing" whatever the "right thing" is in that one moms mind. Does it really matter if it's your milk or formula as long as she's growing and developing as she should? I felt a lot of the same pressure having an elected C-section with Matthew. In the end, I pushed all of those voices out of the picture, prayed, listed to wisdom of a MD I trust, and remembered Caitlyn almost dying in an emergency C-section. It wasn't about me anymore, or the other mom who tried to make me feel guilty, it was about Matthew. You're so mature. Being a young mom is difficult at times, but you have your hubbie, a trusted MD, and the Lord to lean on. I'll keep praying!
    Sarah Kim

  2. I'll keep praying too. The Lord is building strength and character in you thru this process.

  3. THis too shall pass. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. You are Cate's mommy and you are a darn good one.


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