Tuesday, August 25, 2009

If you've ever loved someone with cancer, you know.

You know how my heart is breaking. You know the fears, the frustrations, the desire to take it all away, to make it okay.
You know that there are some days that it just eats you alive. You can't shake it. All you can do is pray and cry...pray and cry.

I'm having one of those days. One of those days where I'm barely functioning, my eyes are red, my contacts feel more like sandpaper, my stomach in knots, my heart in pieces. I just hate this- and if I could come up with a stronger word, I'd use it. It's not supposed to be this way. It's just not supposed to be this way. I know the "right things" to think and say and feel and pray, but my heart is not there today. Today, I'm angry. I want this to stop. I want to ask 'why'. Please, don't tell me "God has a plan" or "He's working this for good" or any of the other cliche (but true) statements. I know. I know those things. And I believe them as truth. But right now, they're tougher than I can swallow, more than my mind can be wrapped around. Right now, I'm just hurting for my brother, I'm tired and I'm sad. I want to ask for a re-deal, a new set of cards to play with. I want, so badly, for JD to feel good, for this to be done. Have you hurt this way before? Do you know what I'm saying? I don't think God is any less in control, any less good, any less love- that's not what I'm saying. Quite the contrary- I know He's good, He's love, He remains on the throne. But friends, this is just hard. I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to walk through this gracefully. I don't know how to be strong when I feel so weak. And so I won't.
Today I'll just be honest; I'm falling apart right now.
Will you please pray for my brother? Pray that he could just feel good? That the pain would stop? That he could sleep? That scans be clear? Could you pray for my family, too? I think we're all more than cracked right now... we're breaking. Could you pray for peace? Comfort? Wisdom? Rest? Doing so will do far more than you could imagine. It's the only thing I know for certain, the only thing I can really cling to. In my heart of hearts, I know, I know, that praying is what will get us through. Friends, we need you to be lifting our arms for us right now. Thank you.
..But if there's no other way-
I'm done asking why.
I'm on my knees, begging You to turn to me.
I'm on my knees, Father will You run to me?
One tear in the dropping rain
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the Maker of the stars hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life- that's all I am
Right now, I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are-
Would You come close and hold my heart?
So many questions without answers;
Your promises remain
I cannot see, but I'll take my chances...

PS- After I finished writing this, I was looking around at some other blogs that I read and came across this quote:
"Entrust your loved ones to Me; release them into My protective care. They are much safer with me than in your clinging hands... When you release loved ones to me, you are free to cling to My hand..."
I realized that I'm lacking something significant right now. That so crucial, so hard yet so simple act of trusting. I get it in my head, but definitely am showing a lack of trust in my heart...


  1. Definitely will keep praying. If you need to talk...I'm here.

  2. I'm praying my friend. I hope that dear Cate rests good tonight and that you and your family gets a solid night's sleep. I love you, my bloggy friend!

  3. I don't understand at all what you are going through right now, but I do understand your thoughts on cliche statements. Losing my daughter brought a lot of those also. All I can say is I am praying for you.

  4. I found your blog from a link on Brittany Bradford's site. I am so sorry about your brother - I will definitely be praying for your family.

  5. Oh my, I am crying after reading this! Again, hugs to you today!


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