a few thoughts...

My heart is heavy and I'm frustrated with myself. I'm learning, well, seeing things about 'me' that aren't too glamorous, and I mean so much more than this gigantic stomach or messy hair. I'll come right out and say it--- I am a people pleaser. I hate to hurt feelings, to disappoint, to give anyone less than a cheerful smile and exactly what they're asking for (unless it's my husband, unfortunately... haha). If you've hurt my feelings, you'll probably never know. If I'm upset with you, I'll get over it, and you'll never know anything was wrong. If I notice a wrong in your life, chances are... it'll remain unaddressed, at least by me. I don't do confrontation. Let's eat, drink, and be merry. Big smiles all around. Everything is hunky dory. Life is good, right?
While a little optimism and kindness certainly aren't character flaws, this let's-keep-everything-surface-so-no-one-gets-hurt bologna is.. bologna. I've recently seen how my desire to be on good terms with everyone and never hurt feelings has resulted in- you guessed it- hurt feelings! Because, selfishly, it was easier for me to leave a situation unaddressed than to stomach a few uncomfortable moments and say 'I don't care, I love you anyway,' I've caused hurt and bitterness in a big way. I hate that. Why wasn't I obedient to the Lord? Why did I refuse to make a phone call, or make a little effort? Ugh. All they needed was a little 'This doesn't change Jesus' love for you, so it doesn't change mine..' and I sat in silence. Do you know why? Because I would've had to address the part about them being wrong, about their choices being contrary to what the Bible teaches is right. And this wasn't some stranger. It wouldn't have been uncalled for for me to speak to them in that way. We have, or at least had, a good relationship, one that could be open like that. And I blew it. I contributed to their lack of faith in the body of Christ. I misrepresented Jesus to them by my silence. I played a part in their withdrawal from church as a whole. You have no idea how this grieves me... how my heart breaks.

So what now? Where does one go with this knowledge, this revelation? I'm certainly not patting myself on the back when I say this, but I found all of this out by finally doing what the Lord would've had me do months ago. I went (okay, through the internet) to this person and apologized, asked for forgiveness for my lack of effort, explained that my lack of communication was not a lack of care. And I addressed 'the issue'. They then told me of the bitterness and hurt that it had caused, and I deserved that. They also gave me more than I deserved with explanations and second chances. I'm thankful for re-opened doors, and I'm so praying that I don't drop the ball again. Obedience, obedience, obedience. I wouldn't be here now had I done what I was supposed to when I was supposed to do it. Who knows how things could be? No good will come from entertaining these what ifs, though, so I'll leave it right there.

With my husband being in full-time ministry, and me choosing to partner up and walk alongside him in that... this most certainly was not the first, and will not be the last time a situation like this occurs. It is so hard for me to point things out to the kids, to say that that's not right. But by not doing so, I'm doing them a disservice. Please don't misunderstand me- my job is not to play Holy Spirit or to police their every move, but when I see things that aren't glorifying to the Lord or reflecting Jesus' love, we do have a responsibility to say something. But not just because Jordan's their youth pastor, but because that's what we're supposed to do as the body of Christ. And I want the same done for me.

Anyway, this is just another one of those bumps in the road, slowing me down, causing me to open my eyes, really look around and ask the Lord to do a new work in my heart. I want to be faithful next time, obedient. I want to represent the love that God has for us... even when it's hard. I want to think less of myself and what is easy and more of what God would have me do, even when it's so contrary to my nature. I want to be victorious in this area of my heart.

Now that I've aired my dirty laundry (haha), I'm off to fold some that is clean!