Sunday, May 3, 2009

I was a bystander.

This may end up a jumbled, emotional mess- I don't know- but I need to sort out my thoughts and clear my head and even back pedal a little bit.
Yesterday was a really hard day for me. I spent all afternoon at my brother-in-law's double header, which was also a benefit for a wonderful man, former coach, and father of friends, who has cancer. I was fine until they wheeled him in. It wasn't that he looked bad- he didn't. It was just an overwhelming rush of emotions that I fought the rest of the day, that errupted when I finally was in the van by myself. I cried... no - sobbed, as I sorted through the day and peeled back the layers of what was going on inside of me.
Yesterday, I was a bystander.
Yesterday I wasn't the sister of the boy with cancer.
Yesterday I was the friend of the family whose heart broke for what they are enduring.
Yesterday I was the one who didn't know what to say, how to act, what to talk about, but just wished I could do something, anything to help ease the situation.
Yesterday, I was you.
And I'm sorry.
I didn't know. I hadn't been there. I haven't been on the other side of things.
It is hard. You do hurt. You do cry for us, for JD, for all he's enduring. You would give anything to take it all away, even just take part of the burden. You do do that, you do carry the burden. It weighs heavy on your mind. You pray for us, you worry about the upcoming MRI. You have a glimpse of what it's like to be on this side of things simply because you love.
And I'm sorry that I discounted that.

There's more- so much more- that goes into yesterday and all that happened in my heart. I think I want to just start and stop here for now, though. I'm still processing, still praying.
And I want to say thank you. Thank you for simply caring. For loving, for crying, for praying, for being. I took a walk in your shoes yesterday, and it was hard. It was hard and I'm sorry and thank you.


  1. I ditto your thoughts. Thanks for opening up YOUR mom's eyes too.... Sometimes I don't have it in me to look beyond what we are going through - pretty selfish I'd say, when I truly LOOK at it... I hadn't really done that lately. What I can say is I am one proud mom! You are so awesome, and I am so blessed. Your heart is gold.... I love you! Mom

  2. Still praying for JD and your family. Thank you for being so transparent and sharing your thoughts. [hugs]

  3. Great post Kristen, thanks for the transparency and honesty! You have a beautiful heart and it always shows through! Praying for JD, YOU and the rest of the fam!


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