trudging through, skipping along

I'm not going to lie. It's been a rough week. This is the first time that I can think of that I have two free hands, no dishes in the sink, and not a crying child in sight. I'm thankful for a moment (or two) to relax.
The secret is out: I am not super-mom. Okay, so maybe that's not a secret- but it is the truth! I most definitely broke down in tears right alongside my two children this morning. I have lots and lots of laundry to do. I had dirty dishes sitting on the stove. My dishwasher has been clean but not unloaded for days. My 18 month old likes to not listen to his mother. My newborn likes to be held every waking (and lots of sleeping) moments. Though I'm getting plenty of sleep, I've been feeling just down right worn out. Out of gas. Spent. You get the picture.
You may be thinking... what did you expect, Kristen? You have two children under the age of 1 1/2. How did you think things would be? The answer... well, I expected it to be like this. I expected it to be hard. I expected a messy house (because let's be honest... it was messy before children). I expected rough days. I just expected to handle it more gracefully.
I want to be deliberate with my disciplining. I want to choose my words carefully. I want to not just react. I want to exude love for my children, not frustration. But it's hard somedays. Sometimes, some moments, I get it right. And it feels great to see my son react appropriately. But sometimes I just blow it. I'm impatient, I raise my voice, or I ignore something worthy of discipline, because it's easier to ignore than make the effort to teach a lesson. Sometimes I just get it wrong. But I'm learning. We're growing through this, walking through this, often trudging through... it just takes time.
Being a mom... what a blessing, a privilege. I can't do it on my own, in my own strength. I can't be patient and be gracious. There are so many lessons I'm learning and seeing through this journey, and that most definitely is one of them- I have to rely on the Lord. I have to be being filled by Him, or I have nothing to give. If I'm not in the Word, spending time in prayer- I react, I am not loving, my focus is on me, me, me. But God enables me to be different... to be more like Him, to love. And that's the goal of this all. For me as a mom, as a wife, as a daughter, as a friend, I want to love like Jesus loves. I want to point others to Him, to 'know him and make him known' , to encourage them to love like Him.
Anyway, I was completely overwhelmed, frustrated, done earlier today. I had a 45 minute battle with my son and it was so hard to stay firm and continue until he did what was being asked of him, but I did, and he did and it was good. And then Cate fell asleep in her cradle, and Corban fell asleep in the crib (which he's now climbing out of again...), and I got to clean my kitchen and it was a new day. A few quiet moments can do wonders... I got the kids up to go meet Jordan. We took our van to get fixed, which we were expecting to be a huge expense, but it's going to be fixed without taking money from savings! PTL! We had a delicious lunch (paid for by a gift card) at Olive Garden, and then I came home and now have two sleeping children. A quiet house, a resting heart. I'm feeling very refreshed and reengergized this afternoon. I'm going to go finish reading a little book I started yesterday (You are Captivating, Celebrating a Mother's Heart), lay on the couch, and maybe watch an episode of House on DVD. I don't know when I'll post again... these 2 handed moments are rare. But know that we're surviving, most days surviving well, some days just trudging along. Today, however, we're skipping. :)