Thursday, September 30, 2010

what to say..

Just a little preface- this is a little bit of brain vomit... forgive the typos and lack of order.
I've gone back and forth, over and over...
The one year anniversary of JD's death is this weekend, and I can't just not address it... but I don't know what to say, either. This week has caught me way off guard. Lots of emotions that I wasn't prepared for. A lot of tears. A lot of little details surrounding this time last year that I hadn't remembered until now.
It still stinks.
It suddenly is so fresh, so real all over again. I miss his face more than you could ever imagine. I miss hearing him talk, listening to him pick on me, watching him love on my kids... everything about him. Even those hospital days- at this point last year, I would've told you those were the worst days I'd ever endured, that they were torturous... and they were, but there's now a preciousness about them- As hard as they were then, they were the last days we got with JD, and that makes them sweet, tender memories.
I just miss my brother.

I'm part of a women's Bible study right now, and we're going through Beth Moore's 'Jesus, the One and Only'. One day this past week, we looked at two different healings that Jesus performed. I won't go into all of the details, but I love what Beth Moore had to say:
"I believe with all my heart that eternal purpose is the central issue involved in whether or not God heals a believing and requesting Christian's physical illness. Although I don't pretend to understand how or why, some illnesses may serve more eternal purpose than healing, while other healings serve more purpose than illness.... Like you, I cannot imagine what purpose some illnesses and premature deaths possibly serve, but, after years of loving and seeking my God, I trust who He is even when I have no idea what He's doing. Above all things, I believe God always has purpose in every decision He makes."
I trust who He is even when I have no idea what He's doing. I pray that'd be my heart every single moment of heartache, you know? And for you, too... I don't know what your situation is or what it looks like, but I pray that you'll look- and find- our God who is faithful and good, Who has a perfect plan, Who will never leave or forsake you. Without that hope... I've got nothing.

J.D. and I didn't have a ton of real serious heart to heart conversations regarding the Lord... he saved those for Jordan :)... but I am confident, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt what my brother was holding on to, what was carrying him through those last days. This past week, I've spent a lot of time looking at his facebook profile. I know that it was summertime when he had last updated it.. I don't think we knew that the cancer had spread yet when he changed it, but I could be wrong on that. Listen to the things J.D. had to say, though. He wasn't feeling well by summertime. He was very sick, in and out of the hospital. These are the things he chose to put for his information about himself, favorite quotes, etc.

"Name is JD. God is GREAT"

"Song: Savior, He can move the mountains
My God is mighty to save
He is mighty to save
Forever, Author of Salvation
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave"

"Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere; I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked.
(Psalm 84:10)"

"I lift up my eyes to the hills -- where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.
Psalm 121:1-2"

Today is the day You have made
I will rejoice and be glad in it
Today is the day You have made
I will rejoice and be glad in it
And I won't worry about tomorrow
I'm trusting in what You say
Today is the day"

"Me: I learned that I should not have Red Bull. It gives you black Nose Hairs!"
Those were copy and pasted straight from his page. Words my little brother chose, things he wanted to be identified with. You have no idea what it does for my heart that the first verse he had written out was one talking about being in heaven. Do you remember the story of his baptism day? I'd love to retell it all, just not tonight... but there my not quite 14 year old brother laid on his death bed and told us, he told us that God was good, and that we can trust Him and the he (JD) did trust him. 
Sweet, sweet memories that I thank God so tremendously for...

Anyway... this weekend will be really hard. This week has been hard. This year has been the hardest of my life. I have been so blessed by hearing, reading, listening to people remember him, though. Facebook is abuzz with memories and pictures of JD right now. There's the 2nd annual JD Taylor Golf Scramble benefiting two local children with cancer taking place on Sunday. The middle school he attended is opening a Broadcasting Center tomorrow and it's being dedicated to JD. People remember, and that means more to me than you could ever know. It's so easy to get caught up in the sadness of him being gone- but I think it's even more important that we remember who he was, how he lived, the stands he made, what (Who) he placed his trust and hope in... the impact that he made.
"I have asked the question why
But I guess the answer's for another time
And so I'll pray with every tear
And be thankful for the time I had you here
I want to live my life just like you did
Make the most of my time just like you did...
You know I bet it feels good to have the weight of the world off your shoulders now
I'm dreaming of the day when I'm finally there with you..."
(Matthew West, Save A Place for Me)

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