It suddenly feels like December in Indiana. I can't say that I'm welcoming it with open arms... but it does make it seem like it's Christmas time, so I can't complain too much.
Anyway, after laying in bed praying with my husband last night, I realized that I left something pretty important out from my last post. Not that everything I said wasn't what I meant... I did mean it. But I failed to mention the biggest factor, the biggest change.
I am working on those things, I am striving to change, but what I left out, failed to tell you is that there's been a tremendous change in me.
What's the change, you wonder?
I'm having fun.
I found pleasure in whipping up meals for my family.
I smiled while folding socks.
I had Corban help me clean in the kitchen and laughed as we did so.
Simply... joy is returning.
I'm beginning to smile again... and it be more than a mask. I'm finding comfort for my hurting heart. I can think about JD and laugh over a memory in the midst of my tears. I'm starting to feel like me again, and man does it feel good.
As we prayed last night, I realized that my heart was just overflowing with thankfulness and I prayed in a way I hadn't in months. Not that I'm not sad, not that I'm not crying, aching for my little brother nearly every day... but it seems as though the clouds are beginning to lift, that a time of refreshing is upon me. I'm ready to start living again, living purposefully and intentionally. I have a lot of people I want to talk to and thank, a lot of people I want to reach out to, I have a tremendous burden to help those walking through what we just went through. I want to write a book, I want to cook dinner every night, and finally finish cleaning my master bedroom. I want to do those things not because I have to, but because they truly are desires of my heart, and doing them brings me joy. I feel like I'm finally getting to a place where I can see beyond my grief and begin to look at the world around me. And it's good.
Just like I said in this post, just three weeks out from JD's death.. okay, fine, Greg Laurie said, "The Lord is with me moment by moment, and He will be with you in your darkest hour, too...Heaven is closer to me now, and earth is less attractive. But I still have a task to do, and I want to do it."
I still have a task to do, and I want to do it. I'm ready. And smiling.