I don't know that I have the words, heart, or energy to describe all that has gone into the last week. Things have just been rough. Really exhausting. I'm drained in every way imagineable, and just don't know what to say. My heavy heart probably stems from knowing that this isn't over yet... that there's more to come, that we still don't have answers, that JD's still in the hospital.
It's just so hard...It's hard to watch someone you love so much suffer. It's hard watch them be scared, and to be scared. It's hard to be confused, angry, frustrated. It's hard to not have answers, to not have solutions. It's hard to have soultions that fail. It's hard to have answer that say 'what' but not 'why'. It's hard to be strong when you feel so weak. It's hard cling to promises when you'd rather shake a fist...
I wish I knew how to walk through this, that I could just say "God is in control" and feel comfort from that. The human part of me, though, wants answers. I want a print out of what's going on with steps A, B, and C saying how we'll fix it. I want ease. But reality is a far cry from that. Reality requires me to trust, to rely, to adhere to the promise that God knows what He's doing, that He had written every day of JD's life before one of them came to be. And that's just hard.
Are you following me? Life is hard, but I want ease. I'm shallow and weak, I admit it.
But you know what I've found tremendous comfort in these last two days? The fact that God knows that- He knows I'm shallow and weak, He knows that I don't have the strength to be strong right now... and He loves me through it.
I was driving today and was listening to the song 'Times' by tenth avenue north, and I just broke. I turned it up so loudly I could hear nothing else and just let the words permeate me soul. It was the reminder I needed... (I know I just referenced these lyrics a few posts ago, but please, read the words... listen to the heart behind it).
"I hear you say 'My love is over, it's underneath,
It's inside, It's inbetween,
The times you doubt me, when you can't feel
The times that you question 'is this for real'
The times you've broken, the times that you mend,
The times you hate Me, and the times that you bend.
Well, My love is over, it's underneath, it's inside, it's inbetween
These times you're healing and when your heart breaks,
The times that you feel like you've fallen from grace
In times of confusion, in chaos and pain,
I'm there in your sorrow, under the weight of your shame
I'm there through your heartache, I'm there in the storm
My love, I will keep you by My power alone
I don't care where you have fallen, where you have been
I will never forsake you, my love never ends... it never ends."
Isn't that beautiful? And freeing? I played it over and over, just starting with this last half of the song... My love, I will keep you by my power alone... I don't have to be strong when I'm not. Honestly, I've had nothing left at the end of the day, my heart has been all over th
e place, just confused, hurting, sad... I didn't know how to approach God about this all, other than just begging Him to fix it. Because I'm not doing or working or barely even seeking I felt almost... like I couldn't go to Him. I felt an overwhelming peace in my heart today, though, that it's okay that I don't have it all together and that I'm pretty much a mess right now because the Lord will keep me right here in His love. That He wants to just hold me here, give me comfort, allow me to rest- even in this state that my heart is in. I have this picture in my mind of my little girl, fighting,twisting, crying, and then finally... relaxing every bit of her body as she curls into me, letting out a little sigh, perfect peace, sound asleep, never more content than resting in my arms. That's me. That's where I've been. And now, I'm ready to rest. I'm ready to allow myself to be held. To stop fighting and striving, stop working and trying. It's never been about those things anyway, has it? I'm not sure where my perspective got so skewed, but I'm thankful to realize again now that it's simply about love. There's nothing I can do to earn it, to change it, to lose it. But I can rely on it, rest in it, cling to it. And I'm going to.
And so we know and rely on the love that God has for us. God is love... (1 John 4:16)
It's just so hard...It's hard to watch someone you love so much suffer. It's hard watch them be scared, and to be scared. It's hard to be confused, angry, frustrated. It's hard to not have answers, to not have solutions. It's hard to have soultions that fail. It's hard to have answer that say 'what' but not 'why'. It's hard to be strong when you feel so weak. It's hard cling to promises when you'd rather shake a fist...
I wish I knew how to walk through this, that I could just say "God is in control" and feel comfort from that. The human part of me, though, wants answers. I want a print out of what's going on with steps A, B, and C saying how we'll fix it. I want ease. But reality is a far cry from that. Reality requires me to trust, to rely, to adhere to the promise that God knows what He's doing, that He had written every day of JD's life before one of them came to be. And that's just hard.
Are you following me? Life is hard, but I want ease. I'm shallow and weak, I admit it.
But you know what I've found tremendous comfort in these last two days? The fact that God knows that- He knows I'm shallow and weak, He knows that I don't have the strength to be strong right now... and He loves me through it.
I was driving today and was listening to the song 'Times' by tenth avenue north, and I just broke. I turned it up so loudly I could hear nothing else and just let the words permeate me soul. It was the reminder I needed... (I know I just referenced these lyrics a few posts ago, but please, read the words... listen to the heart behind it).
"I hear you say 'My love is over, it's underneath,
It's inside, It's inbetween,
The times you doubt me, when you can't feel
The times that you question 'is this for real'
The times you've broken, the times that you mend,
The times you hate Me, and the times that you bend.
Well, My love is over, it's underneath, it's inside, it's inbetween
These times you're healing and when your heart breaks,
The times that you feel like you've fallen from grace
In times of confusion, in chaos and pain,
I'm there in your sorrow, under the weight of your shame
I'm there through your heartache, I'm there in the storm
My love, I will keep you by My power alone
I don't care where you have fallen, where you have been
I will never forsake you, my love never ends... it never ends."
Isn't that beautiful? And freeing? I played it over and over, just starting with this last half of the song... My love, I will keep you by my power alone... I don't have to be strong when I'm not. Honestly, I've had nothing left at the end of the day, my heart has been all over th
e place, just confused, hurting, sad... I didn't know how to approach God about this all, other than just begging Him to fix it. Because I'm not doing or working or barely even seeking I felt almost... like I couldn't go to Him. I felt an overwhelming peace in my heart today, though, that it's okay that I don't have it all together and that I'm pretty much a mess right now because the Lord will keep me right here in His love. That He wants to just hold me here, give me comfort, allow me to rest- even in this state that my heart is in. I have this picture in my mind of my little girl, fighting,twisting, crying, and then finally... relaxing every bit of her body as she curls into me, letting out a little sigh, perfect peace, sound asleep, never more content than resting in my arms. That's me. That's where I've been. And now, I'm ready to rest. I'm ready to allow myself to be held. To stop fighting and striving, stop working and trying. It's never been about those things anyway, has it? I'm not sure where my perspective got so skewed, but I'm thankful to realize again now that it's simply about love. There's nothing I can do to earn it, to change it, to lose it. But I can rely on it, rest in it, cling to it. And I'm going to.And so we know and rely on the love that God has for us. God is love... (1 John 4:16)
Kristin,
ReplyDeletereading this was really encouraging to me. I've felt many of the same things you wrote about over the last few weeks, and it was good to be reminded of who God is.
That song is amazing, and puts so many of the things we forgot so beautifully in words.
I will be sure you pray, and know that JD is covered in prayer here, my whole church is praying for him and your family.
I love you guys!
Mirah
It's a beautiful thing when you have come to understand that resting in the Lord and having everything under "control" do not necessarily go hand in hand.
ReplyDeleteI, for one, am overwhelmingly thankful that He doesn't ask us for our perfect faith or obedience before He starts to love, bless, or sustain us!!
I will keep your family in my prayers. I wish there were something more I could do.
We all go through moments like these. I think God really wants us to ask for Him, to rely so whole heartedly on Him. Sometimes I wonder, even as insignifanct as we may be, if He takes as much comfort in us needing Him as we do when we need Him. I guess that is just what is amazing thing about faith.
ReplyDeleteI hope you and your family continue to have that faith and strength. I'm sure it is so hard at times. God Bless!
Kristen,
ReplyDeleteIt's hard to have the words to write. I don't even know what to say to you. I don't know what you're going through, I cannot empathize.
I am praying for you and JD and your family, and I love you. Anything you need - even if it's just a babysitter or a meal made, just let me know, please.
i love your analogy with Cate and you being like her--resting in God's arms. hmmm . . . praying for you and your family.
ReplyDelete