blah blah blah

Per the suggestion of my friend Jodi, instead of cleaning my house, I'm writing a blog. Okay, so maybe that wasn't exactly what she said, but the power of suggestion is powerful right now.
Or maybe, I just don't feel like cleaning.
Maybe I really feel like crying. And I don't feel like cleaning and crying at the same time. So writing wins. Ha. I'm complex today. Just ask my husband. Or don't. Either way.
I'm not on drugs. Or sleep deprived. Or caffeine deprived, even. I'm just... full of sighs. I don't know what mood you'd classify that as, though. Are you still with me? It's okay if not. This is me mostly procrastinating, and partially just how I feel. Hm.
We had a duo dr appointment today in which Corban had his 2 year well-baby check up, and Cate had her official 6 month. It wasn't well. Corban was perfect. A little smaller than I thought, but perfect. He's in the 30th percentile for height, and 50th for weight. They confirmed what I already knew about Cate- she's really small, but threw in a bunch of other hablah (yes, I just made that word up) as well. For starters, she's not really growing. At 4 months, she was 11lbs 14oz, and today, at 6.5 months, she was 12lbs 9oz. And in these two and a half months, we've added real food, two to three times a day. She's 25 1/4 inches, only 2 3/4inches bigger than when she was born almost 7 months ago. I haven't been too worried about things until now... now that the things I've been trying aren't working.
And now that I know she has a heart murmur. Something crazy like 80% of children are told they have a heart murmur, so it's not the hugest deal in the world. But I have two fairly serious heart conditions and one of my greatest fears in having children was them having them too. (I also have a heart murmur on top of the other conditions, but it's 'innocent', doesn't effect anything). The doctor said that with my history and her lack of growth, the heart murmur was enough of a concern to send us to the cardiologist. With some congenital heart defects, one of the 'signs' will be lack of growth.
I was really hoping I'd have more health concerns to worry about this month! Yes! NOT!!!!!!
So, on top of that, we also have to take her for a hip x-ray. I originally thought nothing of it, but I made the mistake of googling it and ended up in tears. One of her legs is shorter than the other, and the creases on the back of her legs are uneven. This can be indicitive of some hip dysplasia something or other. If it is that, it's really really a blessing that we found it now instead of later, but I'm really praying it's not... b/c she's be stuck in this terrible cast for two months, where she couldn't move at all. I know there's much, much, much worse things, much bigger deasl- believe me, we're living it with my brother- but still, that's my baby girl!! I can't imagine her going from crawling and sitting and moving all around, to being in this stinking cast that pinned her hips down and didn't allow any movement.
I know, I know... Do not worry about tomorrow...Cast your cares on Him, because He cares for you...Be anxious for nothing, but in everything prayer and supplication....
I know these things seem small in comparison to so many things, but I've got to be honest- they feel pretty big right now, just in the midst of everything going on. I don't feel like I can handle anything else... Could you please just pray for us? For my sweet little Cate? I'm thankful, really thankful, that these are little things, and just possibilities right now- all could be perfectly well!, but it's hard to not worry.
Anyway, siiiiiiiiiiiiigh. Seriously.
I should get to work now, while my kiddos are still sleeping. My whole point in staying home for them to nap was for me to clean. Oops. At least I got the kitchen done? I'm grasping for straws here... we're heading to Cville for the weekend since Jordan has the jr high mission trip downtown. It'll be good to see our families. REally hoping that JD feels good enough for us to hangout some.
Oh dang, there's the footsteps. Nap time is over. Day officially wasted. Shoot!!!

I have a lot that I should be doing right now, you know, in the few overlapping moments of my children's naps. But instead, I'm doing this. Unwinding for a moment. Taking a moment to think, process.
Really - all I want to say is that I'm thankful. For so many things. It's so easy to get stuck in the ugly mess of 'woe is me'... especially while walking in the midst of a bunch of.. crap, really. I wanted to choose a nicer word, but crap describes it well. Sorry.
We are so surrounded, so loved on, so supported, so prayed for, so loved. If it weren't for those things, this last month would've been so much harder to survive. So thank you. Really, thank you.
And I know that my husband is thankful for a clean house, so instead of expounding and delving into these deep thoughts, I'm going to wade through the dishes and hopefully find an empty sink before naptime is over.
Happy cleaning to me!

2

My Corban Gabriel...

I find it hard to even begin to imagine that two years have passed since you made your entrance to this world. I also can't imagine that life happened before you- or that I smiled half as much in my lifetime as I have these past two years.

I am so thankful for you, my little boy.

Never stop loving like you do. You have such a way about you... you can bring a smile to anyone's face. I love your curiousity and your intensity. I love how excited you get, how you clap your hands and jump out of sheer joy. I love that you're crazy and busy, just like your Daddy. I love how you wave to every stranger we pass in the store, and ask how they are. You are full of so much love- and have taught me so much. I love that you're funny and you know it. And that belly laugh... there's not a sweeter sound in the world. You bring so much joy to this world just by being you. Don't ever stop.
You truly are a gift...I love you so much, my sweet, sweet son.

I'm fickle

Don't believe me?
Let me tell you... in 18 months, my kitchen has been 4 colors. My hallway is on it's second shade. The fireplace room? I got half way done painting it this weekend, and decided it wasn't exactly right, so redid it all. We completed the entry way and I don't like it, and will be getting the new materials for it tomorrow (don't worry- they're free).
Aren't you glad I'm not your wife? :)
I'm pretty much really thankful to have a husband who doesn't mind too much. And in my defense, I've mostly used leftover paint in my mind changing- I haven't cost us too much money.
We spent 2.5 hours at the splash pad today, and it was glorious. Corban had a blast and was so good... and then when he was done, he crawled up into the stroller and told me he was ready, so we went on home. Speaking of Corban, he turns 2 tomorrow. I don't really think I'm okay with it. 2 years have past already??? What?! I've got to admit, as 'terrible' as the twos supposedly are, I'm loving it. Sure, we have our moments (or days or weeks...), but I think I say multiple times a day how much I love being his Mama. It just gets better and better. But I'll stop there - weepy post tomorrow, I'm sure.
Jordan has the day off tomorrow, and his brother and his gf are coming up to celebrate with us. Not sure what's on the agenda, as it's supposed to storm, so we'll see.
We have a mouse in our kitchen. Gross.
I hear stomping above my head... but Corban's only napped for an hour. What's a Mom to do?! That's not anywhere close to enough of a nap- especially after running around the water and sun all morning. My guess is a poopy diaper woke him up... I should go find out!! Adios!

Kids fed... check.
Kids bathed... check.
Kids to bed... check.
Enjoy shiatsu massage chair and peace and quiet simulatneously... check!

It's been a long, hard week. My brother was in the hospital Monday through Wednesday, and while he's back home, we still don't know what is causing the numerous problems that keep reoccuring. I just hate it. Also, the man who coached me for many years in multiple sports, who is also the father of a friend of mine, passed away this week... from cancer. Such a wonderful, wonderful man. I can't get his family off of my mind.
But- it's now the weekend, which means this difficult week is coming to a close. And our weekend looks pretty promising. :) Today included my husband being home half a day (to compensate being gone all night), painting trim (ugh), and buying numerous project materials for our 'work day' tomorrow.
Work day? Oh yes! My in-laws are coming up to help us get some things done, and I am SO excited. We've been in our house 18 months now, and our entry way is still this vinyl fake wood print that was chewed up by the previous owners dogs, that... I attempted to rip up months ago and was told to stop by my husband... so, aside from the ugliness of the pattern, you can pick it up and reveal the concrete below to the midway point. Very classy. Just what I like guests to see right when they walk in... Ahem. Not. Also on the agenda is installing new light switches and outlet and their covers. Because currently they're black. And hanging. Very safe... especially with two children roaming around. And the last big 'to do' I'm hoping for them (the boys) to accomplish is hanging up trip and crown moulding in the kitchen and hallway bathroom.
Meanwhile, I'll be painting my rear-end off. Because I'm pretty sure I have enough trim to paint to last until I'm 82. I'm oh-so-close to having every inch of formerly stained-but-peeling wood trim painted white in our downstairs, and it has been no small task, let me tell you. Especially considering that two of the rooms have chair rail. That's double the work! Taping TWO edges! Whose idea was it to paint this stuff anyway? ha. ha. I love the result, it's just a lot of stinking work.
I'm also hoping to paint my hallway tomorrow, pending the completion of the trim. I've hated the color I chose originally since day 1. I bought a new color months ago, but it's been sitting in the closet... waiting for the trim to be finished first. And now, I want to lighten the new color I chose- it's just a little darker than what I'm envisioning.
Anyway, it's going to be a busy, full, fun day tomorrow. It'll feel so good to finally do those finishing touches. I won't feel like I have to explain to everyone who enters that our house is a WIP (work-in-progress). And of course, I'm looking forward to our time with our family!
My ten minutes of massage just stopped, and that means it's time for me to get to work. Sorry for this boring post... I'll have pictures of completely projects soon- hopefully!

half a year

How can it be... six months have passed already?

From this:

To this:

You fill our lives with so much joy, sweet baby girl. Those bright eyes, the way you smile with your whole face, those little giggles. The way you laugh at your brother and cuddle your Mama... the way you curl into your blankie, snuggle up on my chest. I love those girly little fingers and your perfect little toes. I love how curious you are, how excited you get, the way you want Mama. I love how you grab my face and kiss my chin, how you scoot around, how you fold in half instead of sitting up. I love that you grab your paci, even half asleep, and put it in your mouth sideways. You have taught me even more about love, my little Caters, how somehow my heart was enlarged once again. I'm so thankful you're here, so thankful you are our little blessing... We love you so much!

midsummernight run

I had planned on just a run- a nice, easy run. It was my favorite time of day- nearing dusk on a midsummer night, and I was all alone... perfect conditions for an enjoyable jog. I was planning a run, and had not anticipated a stroll down memory lane. . .
As soon as I stepped on the track, my mind was racing. But once the wind blew and I breathed in the scent of rubber and corn fields, cows and fresh cut grass, I was lost in a sea of memories... Memories of the days before worries of milk-supply and mortgage payments, of a time when my focus was on mile splits and GPA's. It was the fastest a 30 minute run had ever past, it all felt so familiar, so... home.
I ran and thought. Each mark I passed brought on a different memory. I thought about being an 8th grader, running track just because Jordan was, how I loved it, how I wanted to be so good so bad. I thought about how somehow nine years had already passed since then. I remembered how almost 9 years ago to the day I made the commitment to love and follow Jesus with my life, how shortly after that I broke up with Jordan, how I still have the note my dad wrote me that said, 'Mom told me about you and Jordan. It's okay, sweetie. Just keep making Jesus your #1 priority'. I thought about how even then, I loved Jordan. I thought about where my grandma stood as I finished my first home cross-country meet, the dress I wore my freshman year on homecoming court. I thought about hooded sweatshirts and gum wrapper rings at Friday night football games. I remembered waiting for Jordan afterwards, huddling around with friends debating whose boyfriend would take longer. I remembered the way he smelled, looked, showing me his battle wounds from a grueling game. I rememberd the blistering heat of early August practice and morning runs on weekdays in early fall, the cool morning air... I remembered running until it hurt, through the hurt, past the hurt. I remembered working and planning and striving, goal-setting, evaluating. I remembered the comradery between teammates, hanging upside down from the shelter house beams, mile square repeats, ladders on the track. I remember being the last to leave as I finished that last sprint workout before state. I remembered catching bugs on the wilderness trail in 7th grade... laughing at the boy who is now my husband. I thought about being a freshman, loving and hating the catcalls of the football players as we ran past. I remembered getting ready to leave for college, and finding comfort on the paths I'd always run. I thought about the day Jordan left for California, and how I ran and cried with Kallie. I remembered the last day of highschool, covertly painting 'the rock' with a group of friends, and how we laughed and hid, laughed and ran. I remembered the years prior, the excitement for a new year, a new season, a new start.
I loved looking back, remembering, thinking on where we were, where we are now. I love that my husband is so much a part of so many memories from such a sweet time in my life. I love that I loved to run then and love to run now. I love that so much has changed, but so much has stayed the same. I love the familiarness of home, in whatever form that may come. I love the smell of corn and cows, that middle-of-summer, middle-of-nowhere, familiar smell. I love that I can look back on highschool so fondly, that, while I'd never say they were the best years of my life, they were certainly sweet. And I'm really thankful for that.

a bullet update

• I'm watching some ridiculously cheesy cartoon on Noggin at my parents house with Corban, while he eats fruit loops and I drink coffee. Talk about indulgent. Ha!


• No Doubt about it.. hahaha... I met Gwen Stefani on Friday! See:

• Corban now has TWO pairs of fitting shoes.
• The second pair, Chuck Taylors, took lots of convincing to even try on. And he wanted them off... until I told him that Uncle JD would love them. Oh, the power of suggestion (or manipulation...).
• On the subject of Corban's shoes... he didn't sleep in his Crocs last night!
• I'm really worried that my milk is drying up. And I'm worried about Cate not gaining weight. And I'm tired of nursing every two hours (at least) during the day, but thankful for 10 hour breaks at night time.
• Cate is now eating 'food' twice a day, and I'm going to start 3x a day tomorrow. So far she's had avacado, banana, prunes, and sweet potato. She'll be trying squash soon! I've MADE all of her food, except for one jar of prunes. I feel good about doing it... not to mention, it saves me lots of $$!
• I'm going to IKEA tomorrow.
• And the Gap Clearance store.
• I have sold several things and set the money aside specifically for this trip. I'm really excited about it!
• Jordan is at youth camp, and I'll be joining him (with Cate) tomorrow.
• I got two pairs of jeans that retail for $163/pair for $1 each at a garage sale. Also got 2 Ikea end tables for $3 each. Heck yeah!
• My little brother is currently drinking his 'salt water' shot. Yuck! Poor guy!
• Jordan is doing a triathlon on Saturday. I'm pretty much backing out of my commitment. .. my lack-o-training would make it not much fun.
• I picked two zucchini, a squash, a pepper, and romaine from our garden. I LOVE doing this!
• I REALLY REALLY want to chop my hair off, but every one is advising me against it. What do you think? (BTW, I've cut my hair off numerous times... I like having it short, but get bored with it and grow it out... then get bored and chop it off again. I'm at the BORED stage, and wanting a change).
• My 4 year wedding anniversary is a month from yesterday. Has it really been 4 years already? We found out about this place, a beautiful cabin on a pond in rural Indiana, that's purpose is to serve people in ministry... completely free of charge! I think we're going to go over night to celebrate.
• My son is being a bear... didn't get his nap out.. so I'm off to take care of him!

Hello!
Just wanted to update real quick and say that JD is home from the hospital, had excellent news at an appointment yesterday, survived another round of chemo, and saw a big raise in his sodium levels. It was nice to get good news yesterday!

In other news, my kiddos continue to grow too fast. Cate is really getting the hang of this crawling thing, and inches her way across the room. She can inch to her paci, pick it up, and correctly put it in her mouth. Impressive, huh? :) She's almost close to sitting up, but she still bends in half- haha. If she could sit, she could go from crawling position to sitting... she tries to, but ends up falling backwards! She's SO smiley, loves to watch everything Corban does, and if Mama is within her line of vision, she demands that I hold her. She sleeps through the night, and will lay down awake, fuss for a minute, and fall asleep. I feel like she's finally on a fairly consistant routine, which makes me feel less crazy. She's so sweet though, and at a really fun stage. She gets so excited!
Corban.. what a boy! I cannot get over how much of a little boy he's become. He talks, talks, talks. And is so funny. Here is a conversation we had last week:
C: Mommy, I huuuuungy.
M: What do you want to eat?
C: (blank stare. blinks.)
M: Do you want some cereal?
C: mmmmm.... no!
M: Well, what do you want then?
C: mmmmm.... I wan a knuckle samich. (laughs hysterically)
M: (Laughs hysterically)
He knows he's funny, and says and does things to be funny. I love it. I see so much of his daddy in him! He's (still) very physical and impulsive, very rough and tumble, but we're working on it. I wouldn't say it's more controlled yet, but he recognizes pretty quickly when he's done wrong and is quick to kiss and say sorry. So we're making progress. :) He really does have a sweet heart though. He LOVES his little sister. EVery morning when I bring her downstairs, he crawls up next to her while I change her diaper, kisses her on the forehead, and says 'Hi,Cate!'. He calls her 'Caters' sometimes, too. He is very prottective of her... tells strangers 'NO! My Cate!' when they try and talk to her in the stroller. He still loves sports of every kind and can identify pretty much any piece of equipment and place it to it's proper sport (including: baseball, basketball, football, golf, hockey, tennis, soccer, skateboarding). He loves the water too, now that he's gotten used to it. In fact, he slept in his 'nemo simming' (trunks) in anticipation of playing in our wading pool today. I hope the weather cooperates!
He's SO interested in going potty... anytime ANYONE goes to the bathroom, he insists he has to too. So I put him in the potty and he's 'done' in two seconds. He has yet to actually pee on the potty, but I'm alright with that. We'll get there. We're going to be out of town all week next week, and him away from us Wednesday through Friday, so I plan on being more consistant with it when we get back. And his 2nd birthday is JUST around the corner! Can you believe that?! Less than three weeks away...
He's cracking me up right now. He's playing with the iPod touch, there's thist animal application, and it has pictures of animals, and you touch the picture and it says what noise they make. Anyway, he keeps choosing the bee, and trying to 'sting' me with it. He thinks it's hilarios.Alright. I'm done now. Cate just went down for her morning nap, and Corban is ready to go water the garden, so off we go!

kept.

I don't know that I have the words, heart, or energy to describe all that has gone into the last week. Things have just been rough. Really exhausting. I'm drained in every way imagineable, and just don't know what to say. My heavy heart probably stems from knowing that this isn't over yet... that there's more to come, that we still don't have answers, that JD's still in the hospital.
It's just so hard...It's hard to watch someone you love so much suffer. It's hard watch them be scared, and to be scared. It's hard to be confused, angry, frustrated. It's hard to not have answers, to not have solutions. It's hard to have soultions that fail. It's hard to have answer that say 'what' but not 'why'. It's hard to be strong when you feel so weak. It's hard cling to promises when you'd rather shake a fist...
I wish I knew how to walk through this, that I could just say "God is in control" and feel comfort from that. The human part of me, though, wants answers. I want a print out of what's going on with steps A, B, and C saying how we'll fix it. I want ease. But reality is a far cry from that. Reality requires me to trust, to rely, to adhere to the promise that God knows what He's doing, that He had written every day of JD's life before one of them came to be. And that's just hard.
Are you following me? Life is hard, but I want ease. I'm shallow and weak, I admit it.
But you know what I've found tremendous comfort in these last two days? The fact that God knows that- He knows I'm shallow and weak, He knows that I don't have the strength to be strong right now... and He loves me through it.
I was driving today and was listening to the song 'Times' by tenth avenue north, and I just broke. I turned it up so loudly I could hear nothing else and just let the words permeate me soul. It was the reminder I needed... (I know I just referenced these lyrics a few posts ago, but please, read the words... listen to the heart behind it).
"I hear you say 'My love is over, it's underneath,
It's inside, It's inbetween,
The times you doubt me, when you can't feel
The times that you question 'is this for real'
The times you've broken, the times that you mend,
The times you hate Me, and the times that you bend.
Well, My love is over, it's underneath, it's inside, it's inbetween
These times you're healing and when your heart breaks,
The times that you feel like you've fallen from grace
In times of confusion, in chaos and pain,
I'm there in your sorrow, under the weight of your shame
I'm there through your heartache, I'm there in the storm
My love, I will keep you by My power alone
I don't care where you have fallen, where you have been
I will never forsake you, my love never ends... it never ends."

Isn't that beautiful? And freeing? I played it over and over, just starting with this last half of the song... My love, I will keep you by my power alone... I don't have to be strong when I'm not. Honestly, I've had nothing left at the end of the day, my heart has been all over the place, just confused, hurting, sad... I didn't know how to approach God about this all, other than just begging Him to fix it. Because I'm not doing or working or barely even seeking I felt almost... like I couldn't go to Him. I felt an overwhelming peace in my heart today, though, that it's okay that I don't have it all together and that I'm pretty much a mess right now because the Lord will keep me right here in His love. That He wants to just hold me here, give me comfort, allow me to rest- even in this state that my heart is in. I have this picture in my mind of my little girl, fighting,twisting, crying, and then finally... relaxing every bit of her body as she curls into me, letting out a little sigh, perfect peace, sound asleep, never more content than resting in my arms. That's me. That's where I've been. And now, I'm ready to rest. I'm ready to allow myself to be held. To stop fighting and striving, stop working and trying. It's never been about those things anyway, has it? I'm not sure where my perspective got so skewed, but I'm thankful to realize again now that it's simply about love. There's nothing I can do to earn it, to change it, to lose it. But I can rely on it, rest in it, cling to it. And I'm going to.

And so we know and rely on the love that God has for us. God is love... (1 John 4:16)