Thursday, November 12, 2009


You keep track of all my sorrows.
You have collected all my tears in your bottle.
You have recorded each one in your book.
psalm 56:8

It's hard to find the words to describe the ache I feel, this cloud I have hanging over me. My little brother is gone... it hurts so terribly. I've cried more tears the last few days than probably the last 20 years combined. I had a dream about him two nights ago, and it shook me. Nothing profound, he was just in it. Somehow, I knew he was going to be passing away soon in my dream. He was just sitting on the floor, perfectly healthy, looking just like he did before steroids took over. Just sitting there, making faces at me, being his goofball self. I so clearly remember thinking in my dream though, that I would one day miss that. And then in the next scene, I was preparing for his funeral.
I've barely stopped crying since.
I do miss that. I miss that more than words could ever say.
I miss him so much.
I've prayed more 'give me comfort' prayers the last few days than ever in my life. The ache is overwhelming sometimes, and I just don't know what else to pray. God answered that today, in a nearly tangible way. I've been listening to this song for a few days, but today... I really heard it. I could nearly hear JD singing it to me, and I couldn't help but smile through my tears....

"I hear Your voice and I catch my breath,

'Well done, My child, enter in and rest.'
Tears of joy roll down my cheek...
It's beautiful beyond my wildest dreams."

It's perfect. And I bet, just maybe, close to how things went. Those last few days of his life, and especially last hours, his breathing was so labored, every breath agonizing. To think that the second JD took his last breath on this earth, he took his first one in heaven, and to consider the difference between the two... it takes my breath away. He's breathing easy now. He has caught his breath, indeed.
And can't you just hear the Lord saying to him, "Well done, My child"? Oh, how he deserved that 'well done'. I wish I could've seen the reception he got, and his reaction to it. I can picture him fist-pumping and cheering in my mind. Can't you? He's dancing again, my friends.
And the Lord telling him that it's now time to enter in and rest. I can hear it... and it's beautiful. No more fighting. No more pain. It's time to rest.. and rest in the presence of God, where there is the fullness of joy, and pleasures forever more. That's where JD is at.
And I can nearly hear him saying to me, in his voice, that it's beautiful beyond his wildest dreams. Of course, there'd be hand gestures if he were saying, and probably a joke or two, but I can hear it, and I know it's the song he's singing... that it is more beautiful than we could ever imagine.

I probably listened to the song twenty times on repeat, tears streaming down my face every time. But each time that I heard 'It's beatiful beyond my wildest dreams,' I couldn't help but smile and say, "I know, buddy... I know."
And then I would sing the last lines back, up to my God, up to the heavens, up to JD, if he's allowed to listen in on things like that...

My soul is getting restless for the place that I belong...
I can't wait to join the angels and sing my heaven song.


  1. i cried reading this and i haven't even heard the song. i continue to think you are an amazing sister, daughter, mother, friend and woman. you've faced more in the last few months than many do in a life time, and your resilience is nothing if not admirable. Psalm 46:10 has helped me a lot lately...Be still, and know that I am God. i am trying. trying to be still and let what is happening happen and not fear it or ask why. it's hard, and you know this better than anyone, to simply trust and not ask why.

    can't wait to see you tomorrow!

  2. Beautiful thoughts. Really...I don't even know JD and I could see all of what you were writing.

    I just saw on your Twitter that Corban had a sharpie incident. I've heard that using some hairspray (non aerosol and the cheap kind)and then dabbing it with a rag will get it out. Just a thought that may help.

  3. oh man. What an amazing thought!! I can't even get myself to imagine it, its so far beyond me!! But I can't wait to see it for myself.

  4. I know how much it hurts to feel the loss of a sibling, I lost mine this summer. She was a wonderful woman who loved the Lord and lived with integrity, a word seldom used anymore. I miss her so much but I also know she is with the Lord and this Christmas will be her very best:)

  5. I'm touched...soul touched. Encourged. Inspired. Sad for you. Elated for JD. Awed by God. Excited for heaven and to breath in God. WOW! Thank you.


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