As so often happens these days... I just don't have the words. My heart is heavy and sad, overwhelmed, grieving, breaking.
I've never known a hurt like this. I don't know that there's much on this earth harder than watching someone you love battle cancer. It's an awful, ugly thing and I hate it more than words can say. And so I won't try. I don't have words and the words I have are ugly.
Did you know that I bought this poop brown journal that has ugly drawings and a Sasquatch on it? That's not an entirely a random comment... I bought it for now, this time in my life, knowing it would contain some of the ugliest words I'd ever write. And I was right. A lot of hard questions, a lot of anger, a lot of hurt... but at the same time, a lot of clinging, a lot of surrender. Things are so hard right now. I don't know how to walk through this. I don't know the 'right' way to handle this. But I do know that even at my worst, my most angry, hate-filled times of questioning, God is holding me. He's keeping me. He's proven strong when I am so weak. There's a line from a Chris Tomlin song that keeps running through my head... and really is my prayer:
"There's an anchor for my soul; I can say, 'it is well'".
I don't want to be shaken by this. I don't want to be ruled by my circumstances. But man... this is just hard.
On a lighter note, I bought new curtains and a rug for my fireplace room. It's really shaping up nicely. And I finally got a pair of jeans that fit me! Retail therapy, perhaps?
My babies are great. It's like a switch flipped on Cate, and she's suddenly this bubbly, excitable, energetic baby girl who loves everyone, is always content, and babbles up a storm. My little boy is just that- a little boy. Nothing baby left about him, it seems. He's speaking sentences and engages so well in conversation. When did this happen!? I can say, though, that they've both been such snuggle-bugs and it warms my heart in a way that nothing else can. How I've needed those snuggles at the end of every day! They are good though, and seem to continue to be pretty resilient to the chaos that has become life surrounding us.
Phew. It was a hard day. One of the hardest yet. And I'm ready for bed.