Friday, September 18, 2009

As so often happens these days... I just don't have the words. My heart is heavy and sad, overwhelmed, grieving, breaking.
I've never known a hurt like this. I don't know that there's much on this earth harder than watching someone you love battle cancer. It's an awful, ugly thing and I hate it more than words can say. And so I won't try. I don't have words and the words I have are ugly.
Did you know that I bought this poop brown journal that has ugly drawings and a Sasquatch on it? That's not an entirely a random comment... I bought it for now, this time in my life, knowing it would contain some of the ugliest words I'd ever write. And I was right. A lot of hard questions, a lot of anger, a lot of hurt... but at the same time, a lot of clinging, a lot of surrender. Things are so hard right now. I don't know how to walk through this. I don't know the 'right' way to handle this. But I do know that even at my worst, my most angry, hate-filled times of questioning, God is holding me. He's keeping me. He's proven strong when I am so weak. There's a line from a Chris Tomlin song that keeps running through my head... and really is my prayer:
"There's an anchor for my soul; I can say, 'it is well'".
I don't want to be shaken by this. I don't want to be ruled by my circumstances. But man... this is just hard.

On a lighter note, I bought new curtains and a rug for my fireplace room. It's really shaping up nicely. And I finally got a pair of jeans that fit me! Retail therapy, perhaps?
My babies are great. It's like a switch flipped on Cate, and she's suddenly this bubbly, excitable, energetic baby girl who loves everyone, is always content, and babbles up a storm. My little boy is just that- a little boy. Nothing baby left about him, it seems. He's speaking sentences and engages so well in conversation. When did this happen!? I can say, though, that they've both been such snuggle-bugs and it warms my heart in a way that nothing else can. How I've needed those snuggles at the end of every day! They are good though, and seem to continue to be pretty resilient to the chaos that has become life surrounding us.

Phew. It was a hard day. One of the hardest yet. And I'm ready for bed.


  1. I am praying for you! THanks for writing. I was wondering how you were. I suppose I should have just called. Let me know if you need anything!

  2. Kristen
    Please know that we are praying not only for JD, but for you and the rest of your family these very hard days.
    When I look back on my toughest times, I have always found myself safely in the arms of God. Sometimes I have sought Him and willingly climbed up in His lap seeking the comfort and love that I know I will receive. Other times I have been scooped up by those big strong arms as I am kicking and screaming in fits of anger. Only to find that He is willing to hold me and patiently allow me to throw my fit....He is so patient! In the end, I find that same love and comfort regardless of how I got there.
    I am confident that God is holding each of you in those big strong arms.
    In His Love, Kristi

  3. I am glad that you have that journal to write your thoughts out in. I can't say enough how sorry I am that your brother is going through this again. I will continue praying for him and the whole family.

    I'm glad your babies have been such snuggle-bugs lately. Baby snuggles are the best! :)

  4. Does your brother still have a Caring Bridge site? I knew you had shared the link at one time, but I couldn't remember what it was. I was just wondering what was going on with him and thought I'd keep up with him there if he did.

  5. Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.

    For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.

    So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
    2 Corinthians 4:16-18


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