broken record

I'm so bad at blogging these days. My words are many, but most of them the same.
My heart hurts.
I'm overwhelmed.
I miss my kids.
I miss my brother. Oh how badly I miss my brother.
It's been a week since he last spoke a word... many more days since a real conversation. I would give anything for him to open those big baby blues and tell me my mint gum stinks or call me 'bunkbed'. This is the most difficult thing I've faced, and honestly... I can't imagine much harder. It seems that each passing day gets harder and I feel darn near breaking point. I just miss him so much. But at the same time, I am thankful that I can curl up next to the hospital bed, kiss his cheek, hold his hand... read him the many, many cards being sent, quietly sing when the room is mostly empty, swab that dry mouth, put lotion on his hands. I'm thankful to hear him sigh, see him scrunch up his face. It's funny how life changes, how perspective changes, how love changes. If nothing else, I see myself changing and the Lord working in new ways in so many people. That's good, right?
It barely touches the sting though.

Anyway... I love this fall weather. It makes me want to run, but I'm just too wiped out. I am loving busting out the hoodies and on a crazy hunt for some stinking shoes that I can wear socks with that aren't boots or tennis shoes. I'm averaging a pumpkin spice latte a day and man-oh-man, do I love that. It was cold enough to add an extra blanket to my bed last night, and I sleep so well (typically, anyway) snuggled under lots of blankets. I love this time of year!

Does anyone want to come rip out our shower, repair the piping, etc./kitchen ceiling and install a new tub and surround? No? Dang. That's next on our URGENT to do list. I'm not talking about the master bath of death, either. Bummer.

Ummm.... my brain is done. That's all for now. Goodnight.

"From the end of the earth I will cry to You,
When my heart is overwhelmed;
Lead me to the rock that is higher than I.
For you have been a shelter for me,
A strong tower from the enemy.
I will abide in Your tabernacle forever;
I will trust in the shelter of your wings."
Pslam 62:2-4

Overwhelmed I am.
Overwhelmed with heartache, overwhelmed with grief.
Overwhelmed with sadness, overwhelmed with questions.
Overwhelmed by kindess, overwhelmed by love.
Overwhelmed with thankfulness, overwhelmed with praise.

Overwhelmed, I am.
But kept I am.
Held I am.
Loved I am.

Still clinging,

As so often happens these days... I just don't have the words. My heart is heavy and sad, overwhelmed, grieving, breaking.
I've never known a hurt like this. I don't know that there's much on this earth harder than watching someone you love battle cancer. It's an awful, ugly thing and I hate it more than words can say. And so I won't try. I don't have words and the words I have are ugly.
Did you know that I bought this poop brown journal that has ugly drawings and a Sasquatch on it? That's not an entirely a random comment... I bought it for now, this time in my life, knowing it would contain some of the ugliest words I'd ever write. And I was right. A lot of hard questions, a lot of anger, a lot of hurt... but at the same time, a lot of clinging, a lot of surrender. Things are so hard right now. I don't know how to walk through this. I don't know the 'right' way to handle this. But I do know that even at my worst, my most angry, hate-filled times of questioning, God is holding me. He's keeping me. He's proven strong when I am so weak. There's a line from a Chris Tomlin song that keeps running through my head... and really is my prayer:
"There's an anchor for my soul; I can say, 'it is well'".
I don't want to be shaken by this. I don't want to be ruled by my circumstances. But man... this is just hard.

On a lighter note, I bought new curtains and a rug for my fireplace room. It's really shaping up nicely. And I finally got a pair of jeans that fit me! Retail therapy, perhaps?
My babies are great. It's like a switch flipped on Cate, and she's suddenly this bubbly, excitable, energetic baby girl who loves everyone, is always content, and babbles up a storm. My little boy is just that- a little boy. Nothing baby left about him, it seems. He's speaking sentences and engages so well in conversation. When did this happen!? I can say, though, that they've both been such snuggle-bugs and it warms my heart in a way that nothing else can. How I've needed those snuggles at the end of every day! They are good though, and seem to continue to be pretty resilient to the chaos that has become life surrounding us.

Phew. It was a hard day. One of the hardest yet. And I'm ready for bed.

8 months!

My Cate Taylor... 8 months old today.

I am more thankful for you every single second, baby girl.

You bring me joy unspeakable, and I praise God for giving you to us when He did!

Love you so much, little Caters.

"You are good, and what you do is good..." Psalm 119:68

I don't have the words to write right now.
It's all too much, all too hard.
So, instead of telling you all that is wrong, how I can't do this, how I hurt in ways I never knew possible, I'm going to cling to God's word. I'm going to hold fast to the knowledge of His ways being higher than ours, Him never leaving or forsaking, Him warning us that 'in this world, you'll have trouble', Him being good and doing good. I'm going to rest in knowing that Jesus, JESUS!, even said 'If there's any other way, Lord, take this cup from me...' Even Jesus had a hard time facing what was placed before Him. For some reason, that's tremendous comfort for me. So yes, I'll cling to these things. I'll cling with all that have, because if I don't, you're going to watch me fall apart.

Holding on tightly,

Said by a stranger, regarding my little brother:
"What I have seen from this amazing young man is how he has drawn people together for a purpose. He has brought love and copassion.. he has touched many hearts and brought many to prayer..."

These words touched my heart in a way words cannot express. An answer to prayer that no one knew I was praying. A greater good in the midst of a suck-fest.
Oh, my heart is breaking.
I'd give anything to take it all away.
But this, these words, seeing from the outside the changes in peoples lives... it makes the load a little lighter... for the moment anyway.
We covet your prayers like never before, and we're clinging to Jesus like never before.
Love to all-

My heart is full of words, but I'm having a hard time getting them out of my brain and onto paper.
So what do I say?
I am kept.
I am heartbroken.
I am loved.
I am incredibly sad.
I am held close by the Maker of the Universe and the one who calls me His Beloved.
I am filled with that peace that surpasses understanding, and I know that it's a result of prayers being said and finally recognizing the need to cling to Jesus instead of shaking my fists at Him.
I am learning to love in a new way.
I am really and truly learning what it means to 'praise Him in the storm', as best as I can, anyway.
I am growing and changing.
I am hanging on.

And I'll leave you with this:
"Seek me with your whole being. I desire to be found by you, and I orchestrate the events of your life with that purpose in mind... When you encounter rough patches along your life-journey, trust that My Light is still shining upon you. My reasons for allowing these adversities may be shrouded in mystery, but My continual Presence with you is an absolute promise. Seek Me in good times; seek Me in hard times. You will find Me watching over you all the time." (Jesus Calling)