Monday, May 3, 2010


8:25? Already? Where has my evening gone?
It must've slipped away with the storms that didn't come or the dishes that didn't get washed. Who knows?!
All I know is that this Mama is tired. And that I love my new curtains in my bedroom. And that I'm excited for our "stay-cation" we're taking later this week and part of next.
I wanted to write tonight. 
I used to write a lot.
My posts used to have content and stories. That was before October 2nd and before my Canon Rebel. A lot has changed since then.
But I want to write again. I want to write about things that aren't just heartbreak. Be enjoyable to read again.
My heart's getting there. Bear with me a little longer.
This time of year is hard. Well, at least this year, this time of year. You see- one year ago, JD was well. Not sick at all. Not even a little. And 7 months ago yesterday, he died. I hate the 2nd of the month. It's hard. It's hard every single month. Yesterday I kept remembering October 2nd and how we lived through it... how I watched my brother take his last breath and then I drank coffee and took a shower and drove to Crawfordsville.
Actually- you want to know the truth?
We left the hospital, walked out of the hospital, stumbled our way to our vehicles... and I had Jordan stop at Target on the way back to our house because I wanted black yoga pants to wear over the weekend. I knew we'd be with a bunch of people and I wanted to be comfortable but not just wear sweats. I had to have those yoga pants right then and there. It seemed completely logical and rational at the time. I numbly shuffled through the racks, trying to find the small talls, made my way to the register with tears in my eyes. I wanted to tell someone, anyone what we'd just endured... but I didn't dare speak the words. Speaking them, saying them aloud, would make them real. And outside of those hospital walls, I just couldn't do it. Why yoga pants? Right then? I think it was just something to feel normal, something that under normal circumstances I would've done. I was in survival mode with a punch of numbness.
I woke the next morning and drove to Rocky Ridge Golf Course, where the JD Taylor Benefit Golf Scramble was taking place...taking place on the Mayor declared "JD Taylor Day"... things set in place months before his passing. It was surreal. All these people, these faces...crying too, heartbroken too. We were so loved on. My brother was so loved.
Have I talked much about the funeral? The viewing? The police escorts and hundreds of faces in the freezing-rain at the cemetery?
I'll get there one day.
Not tonight.
So much for fun and entertaining.
We'll get there soon.
Writing is good.
Even when it's hard.
That's all I've got tonight.
Happier things tomorrow, perhaps?
Sweet dreams.


  1. writing is good for you. Keep it up. I never knew the yoga pants story... I know your heart though and your little brother did too. He was blessed with the intense, never-ending, unconditional love of a wonderful sister - and brother too..... even if you just write these things and I'm the only one who reads them - it would be worth it for me..... Thanks for opening up and sharing and healing and surviving..... I love you so much! Blessed, indeed we are..... Mom

  2. Keep writing...
    A couple of nights after my daddy died last summer, I sat in a dark room and started writing out the was (and is) so good for me. And now I have those thoughts and feelings recorded as I continue down this long road. Thanks for being honest...sometimes I feel like the world (especially people my age in the "prime" of life) is oblivious to hurting people and I just want to scream. It is like a breath of fresh air to hear honest hurt from someone else who is grieving.

  3. and impressively, you didn't wear the yoga pants to the golf scramble. i probably would have. you are brave and strong and very loved. keep writing. keep taking pictures. keep loving those babies. keep doing whatever you do to get thru the day-you're doing a remarkable job.

  4. You are such a strong woman (with BEAUTIFUL children by the way) and you write so beautifully- thank you for all you have shared. The 23rd of each month is the one I want to skip...lost a nephew in January..this will be my year of firsts....but knowing that none of us are alone- even in our darkest moments- gets us through. Continue to write and share and know that you are helping people you don't even know


Leave your thoughts, questions, answers here!