Never let 'em see you when you're breaking
Never let 'em see you when you fall
That's how we live and that's how we try...
Tell the world you've got it all together
Never let them see what's underneath
Cover it up with a crooked smile
But it only lasts for a little while...
So come as you are, broken and scarred,
Lift up your heart and be amazed, be changed by a perfect God
I don't know, friends.
I know I'm not the only one living through some hard times. And I know that I'm not the only one to 'cover it up with a crooked smile'. I keep mulling around on these thoughts. Why do we do that? Why do we act as though life is perfect when it is not? What happened to being genuine? Why is it taboo to be hurting? Why does grief have to seem so private?
I've been battling back and forth... what do I share? What do I write about? Do these 'people', whoever it is who is reading my blog, need to know the depths of my heart? Do I really publicly need to wrestle it out? Should I stop having a blog all together? But then I think about the things I've written that have been straight from my heart, and Mom hass put them on caringbridge, and the comments we've received, on how they've helped others, or given them a new perspective... and I reconsider. And then I go back to wondering just what should I share, how much, how deep, how real. And then I think about that song, those lyrics... so come as you are, broken and scarred.. I don't want to play games. I don't want masks. I don't want masks offered to me. I want real relationships. I want depth. I want genuine. Why would that be given to me... if I'm not willing to do the same?
The truth is- the last three and a half months have seemed to last an eternity. Every day is hard. There's nothing I can say regarding how much I miss JD that hasn't been said already. I keep having these dreams, but he's not in them, I'm just getting ready for the funeral. Again. Always getting ready for the funeral. I hate it. The wound seems fresh nearly every day. But on the flip side, I've recognized the absolute necessity I have to be in the Word, to be clinging to the Lord. I desire to walk with Him in a way I never have. I worship differently, pray differently. I want to serve in a way I never have before. I see hurting people and I want to help, and this is part of where my blog comes in. As I write, I process. Of course, I love the feedback, but more so, it is a chance for me to be real, to be purposeful with my words, to sort out some of what's going on in my heart. As I write, some healing happens for me. As I'm real, genuine, I am also vulnerable, and I'm human. And my heart is, that as I am those things, I also become more approachable. I know that the bulk of my readers are people I know in real life, and surely- if I've blogged about it for the world to see, it can become a real face-to-face conversation, right? You know, truthfully, there are days when anything below surface would ensue a bought of tears.. but I'm okay with that.
Anyway, I haven't really come to a conclusion. I don't know where this blog will go. I've been doing a lot of writing on my own, just for me, and that's good, too. I like the 'community' that comes with blogging, but I'd rather real relationships, you know? So, we'll see. I don't know. Tomorrow is my daughter's birthday, and that's definitely worthy of a post, though. =) I can't believe it... one year. Man. I've got a lot of house to clean and project to finish before her party, so I better get to work.