addiction

Seriously.

I just can't stop.

But they almost force me. Really. Who could resits an undie-clad little boy wearing his tie?

or those baby blues?

 

or eyes that smile?

 

pink on teal?

 

delicious cheeks?

 

poses like this?

 

toes like that?

the newly learned 'cheese' face?

  

curiousity?

 

that baby girl? 

that serious face? hands in pockets?

 

and eyelashes that go for days?

 

You see... it's not my fault.

You'd do it too.

Clearly, this is a habit that won't be broken anytime soon.

=)

Cate Taylor, 1 year old

Cate Taylor, you entered our world on January 16th, 2009

(just one minute old in these pictures)

and have brought us  more joy than ever imaginable... 

One year, so quickly over.

Those big blue eyes, that beautiful smile.

I'm so glad that you're ours, that you're here, that God gave you to us when He did.

Baby girl, my sweet baby girl... I can't even begin to imagine life without you. I love every ounce of you (of which there are now many), every inch of you (all 29.5), every hair on your head... especially those curly ones. Your giggle, the way you wrap that little hand around my arm, those sweet kisses. What would my life be without you, my Caters? I love your gentleness and tenderness, the way you carry your baby around all day. I love, love, love that you're my little girl. I love how you love that big brother of yours and laugh at the mention of his name. I love that you're becoming a Daddy's girl, how you light up when he enters the room. You are so easy-going, so precious, so sweet. I'm having so much fun seeing who you are becoming, watching that fiery yet gentle personality emerge, watching you love and play, try and taste, grow and learn. My sweet baby girl.
I love you  more than words could say.
Happy Birthday, my little Caters!
You are such a precious gift!

 

genuine

Never let 'em see you when you're breaking
Never let 'em see you when you fall
That's how we live and that's how we try...
Tell the world you've got it all together
Never let them see what's underneath
Cover it up with a crooked smile
But it only lasts for a little while...

So come as you are, broken and scarred, 
Lift up your heart and be amazed, be changed by a perfect God


I don't know, friends.
I know I'm not the only one living through some hard times. And I know that I'm not the only one to 'cover it up with a crooked smile'. I keep mulling around on these thoughts. Why do we do that? Why do we act as though life is perfect when it is not? What happened to being genuine? Why is it taboo to be hurting? Why does grief have to seem so private?
I've been battling back and forth... what do I share? What do I write about? Do these 'people', whoever it is who is reading my blog, need to know the depths of my heart? Do I really publicly need to wrestle it out? Should I stop having a blog all together? But then I think about the things I've written that have been straight from my heart, and Mom hass put them on caringbridge, and the comments we've received, on how they've helped others, or given them a new perspective... and I reconsider. And then I go back to wondering just what should I share, how much, how deep, how real. And then I think about that song, those lyrics... so come as you are, broken and scarred.. I don't want to play games. I don't want masks. I don't want masks offered to me. I want real relationships. I want depth. I want genuine. Why would that be given to me... if I'm not willing to do the same?
The truth is- the last three and a half months have seemed to last an eternity. Every day is hard. There's nothing I can say regarding how much I miss JD that hasn't been said already. I keep having these dreams, but he's not in them, I'm just getting ready for the funeral. Again. Always getting ready for the funeral. I hate it. The wound seems fresh nearly every day. But on the flip side, I've recognized the absolute necessity I have to be in the Word, to be clinging to the Lord. I desire to walk with Him in a way I never have. I worship differently, pray differently. I want to serve in a way I never have before. I see hurting people and I want to help, and this is part of where my blog comes in. As I write, I process. Of course, I love the feedback, but more so, it is a chance for me to be real, to be purposeful with my words, to sort out some of what's going on in my heart. As I write, some healing happens for me. As I'm real, genuine, I am also vulnerable, and I'm human. And my heart is, that as I am those things, I also become more approachable. I know that the bulk of my readers are people I know in real life, and surely- if I've blogged about it for the world to see, it can become a real face-to-face conversation, right? You know, truthfully, there are days when anything below surface would ensue a bought of tears.. but I'm okay with that.
Anyway, I haven't really come to a conclusion. I don't know where this blog will go. I've been doing a lot of writing on my own, just for me, and that's good, too. I like the 'community' that comes with blogging, but I'd rather real relationships, you know? So, we'll see. I don't know. Tomorrow is my daughter's birthday, and that's definitely worthy of a post, though. =) I can't believe it... one year. Man. I've got a lot of house to clean and project to finish before her party, so I better get to work.
Happy Weekend!!

if you give a kid a cuke... (and mushy mom stuff)

Sneaky little boy, I have... I was in the other room with Caters and came back to find him munching on the whole thing! Turned around again, and bam! The cucumber was standing straight up! Who knew?! A teething ring and science project... all for 50 cents. :)
These kids of mine... joy unspeakable. I can't imagine where this heart would be without them. Praising God for His precious gifts, for precious moments, for tender hearted, rough-housing little boys, and energetic, cuddly baby girls. This week of being a Mama has been good, sweet, refreshing. Not perfect by any means, but what I needed. I wish I could package 2 1/2 up and keep it forever. I really love and enjoy who Corban is, who he is becoming... his creative mind (as evidenced above), his mischievousness, that belly laugh. It's crazy how a hearts capacity to love just grows and grows. Cate- well, she'll be getting a whole post later this week, as her birthday is Saturday... but I love 1, too. The beginnings of so much personality, lots of giggles, temper tantrums, and a love for Mama that is so strong.
Have I mentioned lately that I love, love, love being a Mom?
Well, I do.
More than anything in this world.
Hope your week is treating you well!

to be fair..

Now I know that I didn't, you know, get Corban dressed, brush his hair, or edit these photos, but I had to show you my baby boy.. to be fair and all. Isn't he funny?! He asked if he could make funny faces for me.  Those 'cheese' faces... man, I love my Corban!

What do you think of my new flash?! Can you tell a difference? I majorly can- and am thrilled to say the least! (thanks, Mom!)

Umm.

What else?

It snowed. A lot.

I'm still wearing the same thing I was 30 hours ago.

Corban and I made some bread today.

And watched a movie while eating popcorn.

I think Cate is overcoming her hatred of all things not-carbs. This is good.

She got a tooth! Funny though, it's her top right incisor. No front teeth for her!

She's also signing 'more' and 'all done' and says baba (bottle), mama, dada, nana (when she wants to eat)...

Corban loves to ride his motorcycle. Even while watching his movie. See:

Also take note note in the picture: new pillows, throw, toddling baby girl, and mess abundant.

And with that, I'll end this way too exciting post.

Happy... snow day?

=)

Cate's (almost) 1 year old pictures!