I don't know.
Right now, my heart is heavy, and I am sad.
I know I have so much to be thankful for, and I am... I truly am. But today, reality seems really real and it hurts and it's hard.
You know, you always hear about situations, things people are going through, and you feel bad and wish you could help. Sometimes things hit closer to home and it gets you pretty shaken up, but you thank God that it's not your own flesh and blood or your best friend or something of that nature. But sometimes- it is you, it is your family, it is that person you love, and it is hard.
I don't think we walk around identifying ourselves as those in the midst of crisis. We live very normal lives, resume normal activities, laugh, joke, play. We have to... But every once in a while, you hear a song, see a commercial, that loved one has a rough day and life snaps back into focus: my little brother has cancer. It's not a reality I like to face, to be quite honest.
I would give anything, as I know so many others would, to take it all away, to make it all stop, to fix it once and for all, but the reality is that we can't. I, in my own power and strength, cannot do a single thing. Some days, that's the most discouraging and frustrating thought. Sure, we can do little things, maybe even big things to lighten the load, help make things easier... but we can't take away the pain, the fears, the uncertainty. We can't take away the hours of chemotherapy endured, the nausea and vomitting, the 5 surgeries, the 33 radiation treatments, the hairloss, the scars, the loss of vision.
It's days like these, though, that I am so thankful that we serve a big God. Like I said, I can't do anything... but He can. I'm thankful that we have a hope and a promise that we can cling to. Psalm 119:68 says "You are good and what you do is good"... I want to have a heart that always recognizes that- in good times and bad. When nothing else makes sense, I have no choice but to continue to cling to that- He is good and what He does is good. And that "all things work together for good for those who love God..." (Rom. 8:28). And that "We know and rely on the love that God has for us. God IS love..." (1 John 4:16). If God is love, even these trials, these hard times, are going to be used for our good. It doesn't always makes sense- but His ways are not our ways (Isaiah 55:8). We may never know exactly why... but I think we've gotten a glimpse of it already. He IS being glorified in this, we ARE being taken deeper into a relationship with Him. My heart is echoing a song we sing during worship:
Holy, You are still holy
Even though I don't understand Your ways
Sovereign, You will be sovereign
Even when my circumstances don't change
Lord, I don't deserve your tender patience
When my unbelief has kept me from Your truth
I want my life to be a sweet devotion
You are still holy.
And one of my most favorite verses:
Isaiah 63:3- You will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You.