Oh, friends...
How I wish I could erase the hurt and the ache and the pain caused by that dreadful 'c' word.
It's all around me and suddenly so fresh in my face again.
A new bride, a day shy of her two year anniversary to the man of her dreams...now a widow.
Parents to one child, whom they cherish, treasure, lavish with love... now watching ports implanted and waiting on blood results, becoming friends with hospital staffs and sanitizing their house top to bottom in hopes of a new normal.
My heart is so heavy.
I can't help but ache for my brother. All that he endured. All that we've endured without him.
We are nearing two and a half years, and that makes my heart so sad. It's hard to move further and further from the day we last saw him. It still feels so fresh, the details so vivid...
Do you know what I keep thinking about? A moment I've scarcely shared... so private and precious... nearly sacred in this heart... but life changing and eye opening.
I watched my little brother take his last breath. We slowly filed out of the room to allow my parents moments to themselves, and then I came back in.
What I saw forever altered my view of life and death:
I saw JD, laying in the bed exactly as he had for the past three weeks. Dressed the same. Positioned the same. Even still hooked up to some monitors. But never ever ever in my life had I been more sure of this truth:
This body is just a tent.
Though physically his body was present... that there on the bed... was not my brother.
It was only what housed him.
For me, there was an incredible, amazing, mind-blowing peace in that. The Bible tells us that to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord... To be present with the Lord is to experience the fullness of joy and at his right hand pleasures forever more. Seeing firsthand the absent body and knowing what JD believed and lived his life for... there was tremendous peace in that.
On this side of things, though... there's a great challenge. A responsibility. Never have I been more aware of the reality that this life is not all there is. Or of the reality that we're not promised another day. Or ease or health or heat in your master bedroom. How are we living? What are we living for? What do our actions- the way we spend our time, money, talents- say we are living for?
The answers to those questions, for me, are a gross distance from what I want them to be. I want my life to scream of my Savior, His death and resurrection, the precious new life offered to me... grace. I get so caught up in the things of this world-that-is-fading. I put my trust in money instead of Jehovah Jireh- the Lord will provide. I waste my energy worrying and planning and scheming, falling prey to Daniel 5:23, "and the God who holds your breath in His hand and owns all your ways, you have not glorified." My heart is all twisted up, so desperate for change, echoing that which has been prayed for months in this home, "Lord, send a revival, and let it start with me." Oh, to trust Him... to really trust Him, His goodness and love for me, His sovereignty. We've lived mountain tops and we've lived valleys and God has always, always been faithful... but yet I still wander. still doubt. still look for the here and now instead of trusting His perfect timing.
I'm praying that this year would be one where I follow Jesus with reckless abandonment... no holds barred, take it all, this life is Yours.
A sort of jumbled post full of my quiet afternoon heavy-hearted thoughts...
Would you please join in praying for our friends, the Millers? You can read their story here. and I'll leave you with a CS Lewis quote that I've found to be spot on in my own life:
“God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks to us in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: It is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world.”
The Lord bless you and keep you...
-Kristen
