Monday, April 19, 2010

for you. please read.

I know so many of you prayed for, loved on, helped my family through so much. I know many of you loved my little brother, enjoyed JD, appreciated his goofiness, loved those big blue eyes. I know that his life, the things he stood for and his boldness, even while facing death have challenged and encouraged your own faith.
I know many of you may never find your way to our hometown, and if you did... you may not even know where to go.

It's not a place of much rest for me, truthfully. My stomach knots just knowing where my van is heading. My heart breaks every time; I hate remembering the way he looked just before they shut the casket, hate remembering the way the casket looked before it was placed into the ground. I hate the patchy grass that's mostly dirt... reminding me of the freshness of our loss. Mostly, I just hate that he's gone. I miss JD. Every single day, I miss him.
I know... I know that he's with Jesus, that there's no more pain, that in His presence is the fullness of joy, at His right hand are pleasures forever more. My soul takes comfort in those thing- truly, it does- but it doesn't erase the ache of his absence... not at all. I was sweetly reminded last night, though, that our God is Lord of all- that He has been on the throne and is still on the throne... that He knew each and every day of JD's life before there was yet one of them- and He planned and purposed for each of those days and likewise for the days following his death, for us. Our God is a God of love. I'm resting in that, trusting in that, relying on that, adhering to that.  I believe it with all that I am and I'm clinging to it.
Anyway- for what it's beautiful.
                 So beautiful.


                                                               He inspired us,
                                                                               and he is so loved.

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified, Do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."
"When I see the darkness all around me
When I see the tragedy has found me
I still believe You faithful arms will never let me go
And I still know-
When everything falls apart, Your arms hold me together
When everything falls apart, You're the only hope for this heart
When everything falls apart and my strength is gone
I find You mighty and strong
You keep holding on..."
God's been good to us, friends. He's holding us still.
I want to thank you, though, for loving me, praying for me, sharing in our story here.
Thank you for your kind words, your timely phone call, for cleaning my house, quick emails, sweet cards in the mail, helping with my kids, Target/Starbucks giftcards (seriously... you've been SO good to me- and apparently know me well!).
Thank you for crying with me, for letting me cry, for letting me see your tears, for loving with me, for hurting with me.
Thank you for passing JD's story on, for remembering him, for letting me talk about him, for talking to me about him.
I have seen love in action like never before, and for that- I'm more grateful than you could ever know.
Even more so, I've seen the goodness of God, His faithfulness, and for that... I am also forever changed.

Keep pressing on!
Love you all.


  1. I have cherished our walks lately - and our time to get to know one another within them. I am always glad when you open up about JD and you allow yourself to be broken. Keep doing so. I will always be ready to listen - even if I may not have anything to say in return. I'm always listening, and within that, I'm encouraged.

  2. Oh Kristen this post brought me to tears for you and your family. I just can't imagine. I am so so sorry for your loss. I know that even though he's no longer in pain, there's a hole in your lives now. Big hugs your way as well as thoughts and prayers for peace.


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