two years.

 

Laura Story summed it up best in her song, "Blessings":

The pain reminds this heart that this not our home.

Maybe tomorrow I'll be able to write more.

but today... my heart is too sad.

Tomorrow marks two years since we said goodbye.

I miss him more than ever...

I'm holding onto the comfort and peace found only in and through Jesus...and the hope of heaven, the endless time of no more tears and heartbreak, eternity in the presence of the Lord where there is the fullness of joy.

but it still hurts. 

I'm stuck in this land of 'what could have beens' and 'what ifs'. I can only imagine how amazing of a young man he would've been, all the fun things he would've done with us, how much his oldest nephew would've cherished their time together, the kind of truck he'd be driving in a week (his 16th birthday would have been the 9th)... how excited he would've been about Nora James, how much he would've enjoyed the spontaneity of Caters. I'm sure he would've tagged along to St. Kitts with us, would be paint balling with Jordan right now, would come back and want coffee with his sissy and mexican food.

My heart aches... just aches.. for what could have been, and what never will be.

I miss my little brother more than words could ever say and those words seem so shallow compared to the ache of this loss. 

I'm left reminded though, that we don't get do-overs. We aren't promised tomorrow with those we love. We don't have another life to live, another chance to get it right. 

I don't have regrets on the way things were with JD and I... I just wish there was more time, more pictures, more memories. 

JD lived his life so well.  He was bold in his faith, quick to express his love, made what was important to him his priority. His eyes were fixed on Jesus, and he made sure that was known. On his death bed he proclaimed that "God is good. We can trust Him and I do trust Him." I'm so proud that he's my little brother, and I am so proud of the example he set in the way he lived.

It's a hard few days. two years tomorrow, and what would have been sixteen years next sunday.

The numbness is long gone and the reality is hard, but God has been always faithful and an ever-present help in time of trouble.. He's been near to my broken heart and has given peace that surpasses understanding. The Word has been so true and real to me in the thick of this grief, and I have never been more sure of where (and in Whom) my hope lies. I'm holding onto those things tonight, tomorrow, forever...

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."

joshua 1:9