an MRI for Nora

 

I've hesitated on what to say or write...

The human in me has been a tad bit too emotional.

The mama in me has been scared something fierce.

The Jesus-follower in me, though, is wanting to rest and trust in His goodness and His sovereignty, and I know that it's not a weight that I have to carry on my own.

I'm hoping that in a few short days, I'll look back and laugh at my anxiousness, but I can't help to have some fear when MRI's are concerned. Our track record with them is none too easy, full of heartbreak and bad news. The one we are encountering is mostly precautionary... but still... it's my baby, you know?!

I noticed when Nora was just a few weeks old that her pupils were different sizes in certain lighting. I mentioned it at an early (2 month, I think) well-baby check up, and after a handful of doctors examined her eyes, they confirmed that they, too, noticed the difference, and while they suspected it was normal, they wanted a specialist in that area to make that call. I was told that they'd make the referral, but it could take awhile for us to be seen. I never heard anything else about it.

At her four month check-up, I mentioned again the difference in her pupils, but to a different doctor this time. She did a few quick tests and agreed with the first doctor, a pediatric ophthalmologist should take a look. This time, I received a phone call the same afternoon notifying me of an appointment just two days later. 

I had consulted 'dr. google' on the matter and didn't think too much of it. She had no symptoms indicating Horner's Syndrome, so I assumed I would be told that she had aniscornia- basically, just meaning that her pupils are different sizes. I expected the doctor to tell me as much and to be done with it all.

 At her appointment, they measured her pupils, dilated her eyes, waited, measured again. I wasn't given any information after any measurements, before or after any of the waiting. I was starting to get a little nervous. A long story short, and avoiding the little details that add to my anxiousness for tomorrow-- the difference in her pupils is greater than that which they usually consider normal (for the abnormality, that is). 

 The doctor ordered a 24 hour urine collection and an MRI of her head, neck, chest, and abdomen. 

My heart hit the floor.

I guess I was probably easy to read, as he quickly reassured me that his 'gut is that everything is fine, but he wants to be sure that it is.' He promised me that if he expected the tests to show anything wrong, he would prepare me for that. His nurse assured me when he left the room that he is known for being proactive, and I told her that given our family history, I'm a big fan of proactiveness. 

Anyway, the MRI is tomorrow morning at 6:30 a.m. 

On top of all that, it's taking place at the same place we always took JD. I'll be checking Nora in and sitting in the same waiting room as I always sat, anxiously awaiting news on my little brother. It's hard to be there anyway... but at the same time, there's no where else I'd rather my children be taken care of.

Please do pray for peace as we wait, and for conclusive results... I've had reminder after reminder this week of God's goodness and faithfulness and love, and I know that none of this has caught Him off guard. I keep thinking of the quote I chose to write in the front of my 'one thousand gifts' journal, that I thought was a good cornerstone for the notebook-- months before any of this arose:

"And I can always give thanks because an all-powerful God always has all these things- all things- always under control."

and then the lyrics from a new Chris Tomlin song, 

"I lift my hands to believe again
You are my refuge, You are my strength
As I pour out my heart, these things I remember
You are faithful, God, forever..."

and lastly, the verse we've held onto over and over again:

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid. Do not be discouraged. The LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."
(Joshua 1:9)

It will be 24-48 hours before we have results. Please, keep us in your prayers as we wait. I've got Phil 4:6-7 on repeat in my mind... and am holding on to the promise of peace that surpasses understanding to guard my heart and mind as a result of not being anxious but instead praying with thanksgiving!
Thank you in advance for praying!

(And I apologize if this seems dramatic. Like I said, I hope to soon look back and think I was silly for being worked up about an MRI... but after all we went through with JD, an MRI is a scary, scary thing...)