my heart

"These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble, but take heart! I have overcome the world."

(john 16:33)

Some days... I stumble upon these amazing blogs with powerful words and inspirational ideas and I wish that my blog was like that- that I had the time to write like that. But some days, too, I reread my old entries, reread my posts not posted, and I'm so thankful that I have my words, my thoughts, my memories of our hard times and sweet days and precious kiddos. So today... again, still.. it's just me, my thoughts, my life.
Life hasn't been a cake walk as of late. In almost every arena that I identify myself with- mom, wife, daughter, friend- things have been difficult. It's a culmination of multiple things- the three biggest being a role change in Jordan's job, the addition of a third child, and my heart (both literal and figuratively.). I'd like to think that I'm more resilient than I've shown this past month, but I'm not. No excuses, just honesty. I've had a rough month.
But we are on an upswing--- hallelujah, thank You, Jesus.
As I've eluded to, I've had some issues going on with my heart. I've been warned with each child that the first nine months post-partum risked more episodes, but prior to now, never had any problems. Three (or was it two?) weeks ago, I walked up the stairs to give Nora her paci, and as I walked into my bedroom, I felt my heart begin to race. I remember thinking, "Is this going to slow down?" and "Am I going to get shocked?" Next thing you know, I awake sprawled out on the edge of my bed, completely disoriented and unsure of what had happened. It's never happened that way before, where I couldn't recall what had happened or how long I was out. I had no idea if I'd gotten shocked, etc. Clueless. It scared me.
I called the doctor the next day, who brought me in to read my defibrillator and see what had happened. Sure enough, I had gotten shocked. They (the ladies who read my device, not the doctor) showed me where my heart flipped into 'v-fib', how it was beating around 300 beats per minute, how it wasn't really pumping, but rather quivering during my episode. I attributed it to being post-partum, and knew that this was just a possibility because of the condition that I have. It bothered me, scared me, but there was nothing I could do. I scheduled my normal visit with my electrophysiologist for April and went about my way.
Two days later, I got an urgent sounding voicemail from my doctor. I called him back immediately and had a somewhat upsetting conversation. He started by telling me that "Quite honestly, if you didn't have your defibrillator, I don't think you would've lived through that." He went on to tell me that he thought it was necessary to start me on medicine to try and prevent further episodes, and that the medicine would make me feel fatigued and lousy. He then told me that we needed to schedule another procedure (which will be taking place on Tuesday, March 1st, at 6:30 a.m.). Right now, it takes approximately seven seconds for my defibrillator to charge up to shock me. He wants to get it so that the shock will be delivered more quickly and with less voltage. The unfortunate part of this is that to determine how low of a voltage will still be effective, they have to test it out. I will be put under with anesthesia, and they will put my heart into cardiac arrest to shock it in order to test the defibrillator. Thankfully, I'm not opened back up or anything, and the only effects I will have are that of the anesthia... but it definitely makes you stop and think to be told that you would've died without this man-made device and then that they're going to send your heart into cardiac arrest.
All of that to say... I've been doing a lot of thinking, and it's time for change. I don't want to be the kind of wife or mom that I've been as of late. I don't want my kids to remember me yelling or on my stupid i-phone. I don't want to have meaningless conversations because it's easier than having the hard ones. I don't want to sit comfortably anymore... I want to impact this world with the love the God has for us. I want to comfort others with the same comfort that God has shown me. I want my eyes to be on the hope we have in Jesus, the hope His promises bring.... because if that's where my focus is, those other things are just a natural reaction, right?
I know this: The Lord has kept me here purposefully, and I don't want to waste this life I've been given.

Have you not kept my feet from falling

That I may walk before God in the light of the living?

(psalm 56:13)